Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

hi,

im having trouble feelin connected to my family. according to them im the glue that holds them together, and for years i've depended on my mum. but i now have a very different view on my family since moving out of home and i just dont connect the way i use to.

i have spent so long telling myself that my mum is the reason that me and my siblings are here and that i couldnt stand being to far away. but growing up any sign of my mental health issues was either ignored or passed off as something else and now that im finally getting treatment i need im realizing that i actually have a lot of anger towards my mum and that we arent as close as i once thought we were. alot of the abuse i endured growning up could have been avoided if my mum hadnt done drugs and date the first guy to show her intrest. while my mum doesnt know about the abuse i went through i have realized that i actually blame her for a lot of it. no one in my family knows what i went through as i had kept it to my self never really wanting to tell them. 

while i still connect with my siblings they treat me more like a mother than their sister and who can blame them when we werent in fostercare i raised them. but i dont like it that way i want to be their sister.

as i find my self struggling after a few triggering events i have found that it has been easier to avoid my family as i go through episodes for my siblings it would be hard for them to see me this way as i am their rock when times are hard but i dont want my mother to see me like it either as she often says im pretending or it could be something else. i tried to tell her about my mental health and she told me to get another opinion. the thing is that i want to feel close to my family like i did before but since moving out with my partner and having a child i feel that my family especially my mother makes my condition worse and i dont know what to do about it.

my partner thinks i should tell my family what i went through so they know but even if i felt like i could my mum would turn it around to be about her and make me feel bad

what should i do?

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

The relationship between me and my mother was toxic - and she is long gone - and as it seems from your writing that what happened to you in the past is long gone too - and your mother was not helpful earlier in your life - then ask yourself these questions

Could things ever be better between you and your mother because if the answer is no - then you might be letting yourself in for more heartache. We must all have an idea that our mothers would love us and hold onto us and care - but sadly that is not always the case

It is wrong that families treat members the way you have been treated - as my mother treated me - no way we could have talked about it without my mother getting het up and I got blamed for her being upset - no way - she did that all by herself

And it must have been her because your siblings looked to you for the mother-figure - they won't want to think of you any other way but that is a hard way to live - we are not here for other people to put us up on a pedestal either - but it seems they might not be helpful either

However the sibling is one you can work on I guess

It is a sad thing the way our mothers can damage our lives the way I do - you are not alone

If you look up my thread @Our mothers and what they have done to us under "Our experiences and stories - you will find what I have written and what others have written - and maybe this will help

I am wishing you the best

Dec

[Former-Member]

hi @Owlunar,

thankyou for replying i read the thread you suggested its nice to know that i am not alone but my mother was a bit different she tried to show love it just didnt happen and the thing is that while i blame her for my hardships i pity her as she is broken from her childhood. the thing is her way to show love was by neglecting us we were left to our own devices she would take her meds and sleep the day away or be on her computer. 

she is in a stage at the moment of trying to be a child again and i cant handle it if you try to bring up stuff she did wrong she act like a child whos been told off.

her new boyfriend doesnt make it any better as he treats her that way. controlling her money but yet still getting her whatever she wants. what annoys me even more is that he has the money for her to get a $600 handbag but when any of us kids visit they are broke and if we want to do anything we gotta pay for it. 

i have recently made the decision that i am not letting her see my son anymore after the revealation that she is currently doing heavy drugs such as speed and ice i grew up around people doing drugs and im not letting my son go through the same pain.

the hardest thing for me is that growing up my mum said i could tell her anything and she would be there for me but she wasnt and i feel betrayed by her because of that. the one time she truly listened to me when i tried to tell he what i went through i found out she had been high and didnt remember the conversation. i grew up believing that we were close and had a normal relationship then i moved out into my inlaws place and quickly learnt how wrong i was im closer to my mother inlaw then my mum and it hurts because all ive ever wanted growing up was my mum to be there. 

i was 16 when i learnt that older siblings werent supose to cook and clean, and that i wasnt their job to get them to school on time with food for lunch or that you werent suppose to stay home from school when they got sick or that you werent suppose to do the shopping to get food and things they needed or go to parent teacher interviews or sports days and other events so they had some one there or be the one to tuck them in at night and stay with them till they fell asleep because they were afraid of their closet i was shattered the day i found that out and how did i learn this... because my youngest sister at the age of 10 asked me if she could call me mummy and at first i was angry with her told her that it was silly because mummy was in the room down the hall but then she started to tell me about what her friends mum was like at the sleep over she went to suddenly i realised that all the stuff i did for them was stuff that parents were suppose to do suddenly it became difficult for me to explain to her why she couldnt call me mum because for her whole life id done everything a mother was suppose to do while still struggling with my own demons 

i suppose that was when i started to feel my self breakaway from the dependance i had on my mum to be there.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for filling me in on your past - you have had it tough

My mother was damaged through her own childhood too - which makes me wonder a lot about why she has us kids - but I have learned that new parents try and make up for the damaged cause to them and a lot of people are not equiped to do that

Your mother sounds as if she was not equipped - and this is a very sad situation for you and your siblings. I nearly cried when I read that you through the older siblings had to care for the younger ones and your little sister wanted to call you Mum - sounds as if you did a brilliant job with all olf that - but still - you lost your own childhood with all that happening and that is so sad

It sounds as if your mother's new bf is bad news - hey - who needs a $600.00 handbag forgoodnesssake - and having that boyfriend controlling her money - not a good scene

The tough part - I believed you are doing the right thing keeping your son away from her as she is into hard drugs - people cannot be rational or sensible when they are feeding that kind of habit

But I do understand that you are grieving for the mother you never had. My mother was physically abusive when I was a small child - then emotionally and verbally abusive for the rest of my life - and she died over 2 years ago now and I was destroyed when I remember repressed memories and then knew that things could never be repaired between us once she was dead

This is a hard situation - I do understand

Dec