Lived Experience Forum

[cools]

Hi

So im 31yo, married for almost 4 years, and have a 1yo son.

just when i think lifes hit its lowest point, it manages to burrow deeper.

i come from a domestic violence broken home ass a child....which has seem me struggle throughout my adolesent years and never really knew how to grow up.

so when i finally did i found it hard to find my purpose or career...found myself analysing future prospects and if things didnt seem like they were worth the journey then i would self sabotage...

met my wife (after traumatic breakup), things seemed great. though i still never returned to my original self.

developed a bad gambling issue..which caused al sorts of greif within my relationship.

since then ive sorted myself out and now have a good career and have my head screwed on...though it took a short seperation for me to wake up to what i wanted in life.

which brings me to why im writing this and here today....

im so lonely and jealous of everything, my wifes become so distant from me...we have no intimicy at all for over a year...she struggles to even kiss me.

njothing is reciprocated...like nice gestures or compliments etc.

shes always planning nights or events with friends and family and enjoys that...yet nothing ever includes me..

ive tried talking to her about it, which just causes a fight.

she says she doesnt know how to fix it....but hasnt even tried, which makes me angry and resentful.

her dog just died, it wa like her daughter....i took a day off work to comfort her and loook after our son so she could grieve...constantly seen if she was ok etc..

ordered her a custom bunch of her favourite flowers, i never got any praise or thanks...but that was ok its not why i did it...but then the messages of thanks and support to her friends that sent there thoughts and flowers etc...just made me feel hollow.

im going through a very hard time mentally which is clearly visible to anyone who meets me...shes aware of all this yet i get nothing in support or comfort.

im alone in coping with everything..

i think all he time of just upping and leaving and never coming back, but i could never leave my son.

its made it so hard for me that i cant end it, i wish all he time that there would be an acident at work that would take me away...out of my control.

even then i dont think it would faze her. she just doesnt care.

what do i do? do i leave and try and find someone that will love me and care for m like i will them?

ive givn her every opportunity to change things or show any ounce on empathy..but i get nothing and its obvious she doesnt want to seek help...or she would have.

[cools]

as an outlet ive been drinking, eating poorly and doing anything I can to speed up a premature death

[Sahara]

Hi @cools,

I'm glad you decided to write here and tell us your story. I can relate to a lot of it. You say you separated from your wife but then you got back together? Have things been bad between the two of you ever since you reunited? I wonder if your wife decided that she was not ready to trust you fully because of your gambling habit and then just maintained her distance from you ever since then?

I'm certainly no professional, but she probably has some problems of her own. She might appear to have good relationships with her friends and family, but you don't know how close these relationships really are- they may all be very superficial, for all you know. Yes, she might go out with them and appear to have a great time, but that doesn't mean she connects with them on a deeper emotional level.

Like, I said, I'm no expert! It would be great if you two could go to couple's counselling and get your feelings all out in the open. Sounds like it might be a relief for you two to be able to talk things over properly.

[utopia]

Hi @cools. I'm one for self sabotage or self medication with alcohol too. 14 days with no drink. Not easy. But it so messes with my depression that I'll never get better if I kerp drinking. No judgment here. Sometimes we do what we can not to feel.
Have you discussed with your wife about going to Marriage Counseling? Relationships Australia is one such organisation. If your wife won't go, why not go by yourself for a few sessions & see if they can suggest something that you may not have thought of or tried before.
Alternatively, you could speak to your own psychologist or psychiatrist about the stress going on in your family at the moment.
I imagine it is hard to stay when you can get no support from your wife. But please speak to an expert before making the decision to leave.
There just may be that one thing that will make all the difference in improving your relationship.

[cools]

I get enjoyment seeing her happy no matter what the forum....but its when she doesn't think or want to do anything with me. that's what is hurting me the most...then I see her having a conversation about things they did etc...and I have no common grounds and therefore...feel isolated and alone

[cools]

i dont drink alot....as in i dont drink to pass out but i find myself wanting to...

i will have 1-4 beers daily just to take the edge off and help me get to sleep....im afraid it will become an addictive habbit....but i just wnt every day to end before it even strts

[Sahara]

@cools,

I was in a similar situation to you.... I was in a very emotionally dysfunctional relationship for 13 years- we lived together for the last 4 years of that time. My partner did not want anything to do with me... it was like we were flat-mates who lived separate lives and barely spoke to each other. I would always try to engage him in conversation, but he would say he was busy and give me the cold shoulder. He was out all night every weekend and did not answer his mobile phone when I called him.

I developed severe depression during the last two years of our relationship and I sought help- first from a counsellor and then a G.P. and finally a psychiatrist. I had treatment, including medication.

For the last year of the relationship, I finally gave up on my partner and just concentrated on myself and getting better, on-going therapy helped a lot. My psychiatrist told me not to make any major life changes while I was still depressed, so I followed her advice. I did not leave my partner until I was on the mend. I just lived in that house as though we were in a normal relationship, when we so obviously were not. 

The funny thing is, (I can laugh about it now) that when I gave up on my partner and stopped calling him on the phone or trying to talk to him about stuff, his happiness increased measurably! He even made the comment "You've changed for the better..." In other words he wanted a woman who never spoke to him, never initiated any contact with him, never called him or spent even one minute of her day with him? I guess so.  

Anyway, of course I left him and I'm now married to a wonderful man.

I absolutely agree with what @utopia has written- I think you should find help in the form of counselling/therapy just for your own benefit, to sort out your own feelings. It might lead to you and your wife getting closer eventually, or it might not. Anything is better than existing in limbo and feeling so lonely. 

[utopia]

@cools. The number 1 person to look after first is yourself. That's the same for all of us. And I think you'll find it to be a great benefit to talk to a counselor or psychologist. Your gp can refer you.
I used to enjoy having 4 cans every day - bourbon. I was rarely drunk. I used it to feel better or not to feel. In the end, it did more damage than good - as it just made my depression worse.

[cools]

so last night i was having a bad day...i was really down and upset.

and as usual got no comfort from my wife....i was so drained from this pain that i had to go to bed (11am) to try and drowned out my thoughts..my wife comes in and tried to force my son onto me after we just had a fight about lak of support. i told her to go away..then she called me a part time parent as she walked off.

this wuld hve been litterally the first time ive ever broken down and had to take time for myself and she knew i needed time alone but still couldnt let me be....nd then turned it back around on me critisising me as a parent because i needed to myself to clear my head.

if there was an urgency as to why i needed to take my son then i would understand, but there was no reason other than to stir me, and probably look for a reaction to call me a part time parent

[cools]

so last night i was having a bad day...i was really down and upset.

and as usual got no comfort from my wife....i was so drained from this pain that i had to go to bed (11am) to try and drowned out my thoughts..my wife comes in and tried to force my son onto me after we just had a fight about lak of support. i told her to go away..then she called me a part time parent as she walked off.

this wuld hve been litterally the first time ive ever broken down and had to take time for myself and she knew i needed time alone but still couldnt let me be....and then turned it back around on me critisising me as a parent because i needed to myself to clear my head.

if there was an urgency as to why i needed to take my son then i would understand, but there was no reason other than to stir me, and probably look for a reaction to call me a part time parent