Lived Experience Forum

[younglawyer]

every morning i wake up and I feel angry, angry that I am still alive. I called in sick to work this morning and went back to sleep. I think there was a part of me that was hoping I would get a second chance of dying in my sleep or something...

I hate my job but can't afford to quit and can't find anything else. I've isolated myself from most of my friends because I don't have the energy to fake happiness anymore and I don't want to bring them down with my constant miserable nature. My partner gets angry when ever I tell him how I am really feeling so I just say im ok..he lives overseas so it is easy to pretend.

[Former-Member]

Hi @younglawyer

Sounds really awful at the moment. I wish having a sick day had helped you have a rest 😞 have you got any outside support from anyone that you can be honest with? even a gp/counsellor? It's so hard to not feel like you're getting to where you want to be... I've struggled a bit with some feelings of what is the point of everything and i'm not really where i thought i would be in my life at this age... i've completely fallen off the path that i wanted to be on and not even really sure what/if any my goals are or should be now.

I started reading the reality slap by russ harris and found it interesting but really not able to put it into any use at the moment... 

here listening

lj

[younglawyer]

I haven't seen a psychologist for some time. I feel I just don't have the energy for it. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 12 and I am now 26. I just can't be bothered anymore. I have my parents for support but they start to freak out everytime I experience low emotions. The same with psychologists I find they focus so much on just worrying that you will suicide or self harm (I know they are only doing their job) that they don't really listen to how you feel. I just want someone to listen without freaking out thinking I am going to die and they have to stop it.. I know people are only trying to help but I just want someone to listen and nothing else. I don't want a solution as I know there isn't one in my current circumstance just want to be heard. I feel all the support services out there just don't give me what I need..a sounding board to air how I feel. I don't want need to be fixed.

[Special_k]

Hi @younglawyer I hear what you're saying, it can be so frustrating feeling as though you're just not being heard; particularly in a world where everyone just wants to fix the problem. The SANE forums are a really great sounding board and I hope you find the support you are looking for here. 

[Former-Member]

That's fair enough @younglawyer about not seeing a psychologist. i was worried about how low you are sounding though... i know at the moment i'm really depressed and just nothing seems possible... my head keeps telling me that there is just no way that things can work out... every idea i have is instantly dismissed by my thought brigade. but my psychologist and support person keep telling me to try and combat some of that... still feels like hitting my head against a wall made of unobtanium though. 

there's not fixes... but you do deserve to be supported and heard! and there are some things in life, like what youre going through.. and stuff that im going through that just suck and arent things that can be fixed... immediately anyway. 

hold on, keep writing ehre 🙂 maybe you'd like to join us for some social chats on threads in the enjoying time with others forum? just connecting with others helps to lighten my day a bit, distract me from the ... influence of my thoughts.. they're still there of course but get more muted if im doing something else.

anyways...

here with you.

lj

[Former-Member]

Can understand ,as one who has had long term sessions,I lost faith in it.I won't take antidepressants (happy pills I call them), because it won't fix my life situations.I feel like I'm in a no win situation.Last year I actually came out of a session feeling worse about myself ,the psychologist accused me of not looking for work,which wasn't true.At times I don't need a smart * ***, or to hear optimistic crap which doesn't help.I don't have the energy either but younglawyer,as someone who left employment due to what you are feeling nearly five years ago and spiralled into darkness,I feel you need to do something to prevent what you are feeling being detrimental to your life.I have a anger I can't shake.Can you make a mental health plan for yourself?Whether it is walking,listening to music,or a movie?.Do what you can to keep yourself safe. I lost my livelihood,and still have the same demons.

[getbetter]

Hello younglawyer, I also hope I don't wake up when I go to sleep, I agree with Li1 though in that you need to try and stay in work, I stopped working about 2 years ago, I battled for a long time but I had good jobs and wish I was still able to do them, in the end I was making a lot of mistakes and being sent home if I got angry or had a meltdown, I just could not do it anymore, but once you stop working a whole new set of problems arise, you have to deal with centrelink, if anyone can make you suicidal they can, you have very little money to live on, you see know one during the day, your embaressed by the fact you have had to resort to wealthfare, seeing a future becomes much harder, resume and references get old, and a thing called skills atrophy happens meaning you start to loose your work skills, If you do decide to take some time off work, try and plan it ahead if you can, save up some money, pay all your bills,maybe live with your folks if you dont already,  have you ever seen a psychiatrist? I guess you probably have, they can prescribe more medication types than a gp can, we are'nt allowed to discus medication names here but I did find one that was very helpfull for me for about 5 years, then it lost its mojo, but I am trying other combinations. are there any mental illness groups in your area? it's one thing I think would be helpfull for me if we had one here, just being able to have a coffee with some people that get it.

[Former-Member]

Well said getbettter, depressed reading it though because you are talking about me as well.Yes it doesn't help being home,too much time to think and it creates a poverty you don't know unless you have experienced it.You get paternalised into welfare which is very very hard to break.

[Former-Member]

I wonder if helping others might help lift you out of your no-win situation. It can make us feel useful, worthwhile, part of something and just plain good to concentrate on how we can help others instead of our own complicated conundrums.

i don't mean to sound moralistic. I have found getting out and being kind to others makes me  feel better about myself for a while. Just a practical thing to lift your mood. Hope it's not just another thing to make you feel like you aren't being heard. Or another idea for 'fixing you'.

Anger is so difficult to know what to do with. The Buddhists say patience is the antidote to anger. To cultivate patience, we can just start with little things and our patience will grow. The guy who cuts us off in traffic, the rude shop assistant, whatever. It also means getting comfortable with the extraordinarily uncomfortable energy of anger. Not keeping it bottle up or suppressed. But being a big enough container to meet our own anger with kind enquiry and compassionate  tolerance. It arises and passes. It always passes through. The idea that 'I have anger' instead of 'I am angry, or I am an angry person' changed my view of my own rage from trauma. Maybe it can help you too.

[younglawyer]

I think sometimes it helps just to have a big whinge 😉 and I always get worried my family and friends are tired of hearing it.