Sharing thoughts on a relationship topic.

[Zoe7]

We can only do what we can @Powderfinger and that has to be enough 

Was your friend sick?

[Powderfinger]

Yes, that is right. My friend was sick yes. He was an alcoholic. He also was taking a lot of medication that he should not have been taking being an alcoholic. He did have periods of sobriety and then he would fall of the wagon again. He drank to cope with early trauma. I understood. We had a bond. I totally loved him very much. Purely platonic. We could spend hours talking and we had a similar sense of humor. He too was also South African. I loved him dearly. He had a huge heart and was such a caring man. Just one big softie. 

He was mixing alcohol and his pills. The pills were very very strong ones and varied. He was mixing with straight vodka. At least two bottles a day. The day before he died, he was in hospital. It wasnt looking good for him. He checked himself out and I was mad with him and mad with the hospital for letting him go. He was too sick. 

I was at the hospital with him most of the time, but the day he checked himself out, I was at an appt. That day at that appt I got diagnosed with CPTSD Chronic depression and anxiety disorder. I was in that appy for a two hour assessment. I went straight back to the hospital afterwards to find that he had checked himself out. 

I got back home and got so upset with him. We lived together. The next day he died from a fatal heart attack. He had been dead for a few hours before I knew. I had been keeping an eye on him to make sure he was doing OK. A little more to the story but I find it hard. The drinking, mixing the tablets, health concerns, bad liver and the taxing of trauma on his body and that was him done. I miss him all the time. 

[Zoe7]

I am so sorry @Powderfinger That is such a lot to deal with. I know that trauma of finsing someone deceased - found my Pop after a massive heart attack also. Tried to revive him but he was already gone. You never really get over that 

Think always of those good times you shared because they are gold 

BTW my cat is named after my favourite tennis player who was also South African 👍 We just call her Cat here as her real name would be recognisable.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 Thank you. It is nice to speak to someone who knows what it is like to go through that. Thank you for talking to me about it. 

My ex didnt know how to watch her moutb a lot of the time. I actually had  a really rought time recently when she had to go on a medication that he took. She knew all about the past. I was not expecting to have the response go on in my body and mind about it though. I had been told to but out week prior so I said nothing about my struggle. She did know I was struggling though. I could not seem to get control over my mind or body. I was so scared I was going to find her dead. I tried so hard to be rational. We were not together when this happened a few weeks ago. We broke up some time ago now. So we were sleeping apart. I had to fight so much during those days. Then to top of it all, she did end up getting sick from the tablets and having to go to the hospital. I didn't say anything. There just wasnt any compassion from her really. 

Oh I definitely remember our good times too. I am sorry you lost your pop and that you found him too. 

[Zoe7]

Those kind of similarities can be very triggering @Powderfinger So I totally get your fears around it all. It would have been further compounded when she also had to go to hospital - all those memories are very, very hard to deal with 

One thing that helped me massively when my Pop died was his doctor telling me there was nothing anyone could have done even if he had been in hospital at the time. It did not help me come to terms with his death but I had no guilt around not doing enough. My Nan died 4 months to the day beforehand so it was a very sad time for our family. My Nan was sick though and unlike my Pop we knew she was going to die because she refused treatment - I had nothing unsaid to her though and that did make a difference.

[Powderfinger]

Thank you for understanding my fears and worries around it all. She just wore me down really. I do not have any energy around it. To be honest, and very clear she was abusing me. I know she was. Eben my counsellor named the different forms. Its about time I stopped thinking I must have done something or not done something. That thinking needs to go. If you tell me (three times early on in the relationship that it is over and know I have nowhere to go straight away, you have no compassion for me crying, you offer no comfort and pretend I do not exist and you know I have lived on the streets homeless and all the horrible details of it, then you dare turn around to me and say but I am always triggering you with something) that is abuse. Its clear as day that it is. I became homeless after he died and lived on the streets. I tried to prevent it. I asked my mum to fly over and come and get me and that I needed her. So unlike me to do. Its just that we had been talking a few weeks before his death and she was apologetic for my childhood and I was beginning to develop some trust she would be there for me. She never came. 

You had some closure with your nan. time to prepare, time to say things and with your pop you did not. I have dealt with three deaths and never had time to prepare for any one of them. 

[Zoe7]

I spent so much time with my Nan @Powderfinger She was my best friend and we had a very special bond. I still miss her everyday but I also know what we had was so special. I would gladly give a limb to have just one more day with her.

I can fully understand you ending up homeless and also wanting your mother at that time of your life. I am also so sorry she was not there for you when you needed her the most. We certainly learn a lot about our family and friends in those circumstances. Fortunately what I learnt when my friend died was that I had support from even the most unexpected sources. My Mum turned up at my place the next day with flowerts and a little pillow - and a big hug. She did not know about how close we were until my sister told her - and the next thing she was there - I did not expect it but I did really appreciate it.

I have a photo of my friend right next to the tv so I 'see' him all the time. It is a beautiful photo of him on the beach smiling - it is one of my absolute favourite things in my life. The photo sits right next to some rocks that say faith and hope ...for my very good friend on her @Faith-and-Hope - another person that changed my life for the better 

All these things you have been through with your ex will fade in time but we also learn from them. They can bring us down or make us stronger - you are still very much grieving for this loss too so it will take time but you really do deserve better and I hope in time you will find that - whether that be with someone else in the future or by yourself.

[Powderfinger]

I cannot talk alot about my life, my entire life. My best friend that passed away could not believe what I had been through. I had to do a timeline of events in my life one day. I cant remember why I needed his help but I did. Anyway we were sitting and doing it, we got it completed eventually and he was horrified. I could not understand his reaction and response. Many years later now, I truly do understand. Some people just have horrific lives and it happens to very nice people. I am one of them. 

I understand loss. I understand you missing her. That bond is not broken. It cannot break. It is still there. Thanks for the recognition regarding my mother. I knew this about my mother before this happening in my life. I guess I just thought that maybe it would be different this time and it simply wasn't. She has done much worse to me. When my grandmother died I was so cut up. I did not know of course. My grandmother lived in South Africa, I would call when I could and have long conversations with her. My mother rang me and said your grandmother has passed away. I was just like thank you for letting me know. She said are you OK? I said yes, hung up the phone and dealt with it myself from there. I knew there was no point turning to her or anyone else. 

I am gald that your mother did something very beautiful for you and thought of you in your most hardest times. I have a photo of my friend and a few other things. I had him up not long ago with some other things in my lounge room where I could see him all the time but I had to put him away as I was not coping. I am really happy for you that you have ahd so much love and support @Zoe7 

[Zoe7]

Unfortunately @Powderfinger I do understand how much suffering there is for some people. I too have CPTSD from many. many years of multiple traumas and although I do not know your circumstances my supports could not believe how much I had been through also ...and that was only what I told them - there was more but I just could not acknowledge it - still won't and am okay with that because sometimes it is just too hard. I am in a place now that I am trying to move forward - you cannot change the past so best to leave it there. That does not mean it has not happened or does not still affect who we are or what we can and cannot deal with but for me now it is about finding ways forward despite the past. There is also some good that comes out of adversity - I think we have more empathy, more sensitivity to others and certainly more care and concern for those that need it - and all that is good if channelled in the right way.

I have no doubt that you are one of those nice people - our conversations here have shown that - and I also have no doubt that you will find yourself again. It will take time and there will be many bumps along the road but you seem to have incredible insight into yourself and your life and that is a major positive in being able to find yourself again.

[Powderfinger]

I need to go shortly as I am getting tired, have an early start and want to unwind a bit before I go to sleep. I wish you didn't understand it. I recall you mentioning you have CPTSD. I understand just not being able to acknowledge it all. Its just the way it is @Zoe7 I support you with just trying to move forward with your life and leave the past in the past. 

What has been irking me for sometime, is people in gerneral, the "so called professionals" saying and writing articles that a full recovery is possible when it certainly is not, that you need to keep up with therapy when you cant and seriously need a break. the same questions over and over and over again and so much more. I need to learn how to channel that more appropriately. For e.g.: Today I was crossing a carpark and this old lady went ahead in her car in front of me. I had stopped ot give her way so she could go and she stopped and apologised to me. It was immediately for me and I just wanted to scoop her up and take care of her. Give her everything that was missing from her life. To me that is inappropriate. It is overy caring, overly loving. I think immediately everyone has had a bad life and is sad,  where it is not always the case. I need to really deal with this issue because it does get me into a lot of trouble in my life at times. 

I will find myself again, I just need a lot of time by myself and I am slowly working on that now. There is such a thing as been just too nice, too caring and too loving. When you sacrifice every single part of yourself to do that and be that, it is not appropriate. I just do not know why I feel my heart swell. Its a very physical sensation and I do not knwo what to do.