Lived Experience Forum

[Retro]

I recently befriended someone I met in a mutual interest group. I thought her to be stable and likeminded, met her a few times outside that group and she seemed pretty “normal”. We arranged to share a place to rent, signed a joint lease and waited to move in, excited by this new chapter. I was moving from interstate to do so. I arrived and was busy unpacking when she suddenly announced that it was all “off” and that she was leaving as I wasn’t compatible.
I couldn’t believe that she could change her mind so abruptly, and so was pretty pissed off with her. She accused me of being abusive towards her, promptly getting a DV Termination Notice so as to escape her rental payment obligations as per lease.

I'm so angry, confused, stressed and exhausted at having to deal with the mess she left behind for me to fix! 
Just discovering now from other people that she is suspected of having BPD / CPTSD and that’s why most group members steer well clear of her. 
I feel so stupid that I didn’t pick up any of this in my dealings with her. Help!!

How do I navigate a way forward when she is now telling people I’m an abusive person, when she clearly is undiagnosed or  in denial about her mental health issues?

[EternalFlower]

Hello @Retro terrible.experience u have had and the ivo is really distressing as well. So sorry.

Just food for thought...its possible she doesnt have mh issues at all, and just isnt a very nice person.

I dont agree with diagnosing someone unless we are a professional and i feel like it's often people saying someone has bpd when they are unlikeable or disrespectful. Bpd isnt being difficult or not being able to have functional relationships and there are other reasons beyond bpd why oenone would behave this way.

I have cptsd and when i was unwell i broke a lease and disappointed someone. I had previously had no place to live due to family problems and was scared it would not work out with this housemate so i ran away from my responsibility. I have grown since but if this person is traumatised they nay have suffered abandonment in their lives so are now doing that to you. Its really unfair and I hope you can disentangle from them while realising its not personal ans they are potentially just  not mature enough to take on board your feelings.

Thats so hard shes telling everyone untrue things. I think u have a right to tell ur side of the story as a response and would hope that cutting all ties with her or being very firm in boundaries would mean she would eventually move on and stop spreading misinformation. Selfish people tend to leave once they sense they cant get a reaction or get attention out of you.

Really sorry ur going through this and hope u are ok.

[Little_Leopard]

Do you have any advice @BPDSurvivor ?

keeping in mind that the OP is guessing at a BPD diagnosis. 

@Retro The problem is that what you have described does not necessarily mean she is BPD, it could be many other things. or maybe she is just not a nice person? I find a lot of the time that mental health is used to excuse bad behaviour (which is beyond the scope of a disorder). Sure mental health creates problems but people still have choice over the way they choose to treat people and the long term actions they choose to take.  Maybe she is just being terrible and does not know how to back out of the deal and is throwing you under the bus to save face. 

I was not there so dont know what happened between you both or why she feels the way she does. At the end of the day, it’s good that she left because it was never going to work. The trouble now is finding someone else to share the house mate if you cannot afford it by yourself.

there is always two sides to a story and you should have the opportunity to explain to your group, your side of the story. 
if this is one of her patterns, then they are sure realise soon or they may already know.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Retro ,

 I’m sorry to hear you have been caught up in this terrible situation. It certainly sounds confusing and upsetting.

@Little_Leopard and @EternalFlower  have also made some good points about not knowing the reasons behind her actions. Would you consider speaking to her and asking her at a time when you are both calm? Not as a way to ‘get back at’ her, but to have closure for yourself?

These are difficult conversations to have. One must be prepared for it. However, if it means she will stop going around saying unhelpful things, maybe it’s worth it?

 What do you think?

[Retro]

Thanks for those comments.
I have since spoken to a number of people in the group in which we were both members. More than three others have chosen to “gently back away” from her as her inappropriate behaviour is disrupting others as well. For example, calling busy people during work hours and wanting long chats focused on her inability to find friends/ develop a network. This is very odd behaviour, especially for a professional, whom she claims to be.

This person is also inconsistent in providing her “back story” as a normal part of social interaction. She told me she is a social worker; others that she is a psychologist. When asked to verify her background or tell you more about where/when/with whom she works, she changes the subject or says that she is a type of pastoral carer.

The fact that there is no professional or social media profile is another question mark. She told me that she doesn’t need to use technology as her work is talking “face-to-face” with people who are suicidal, facing death etc. 

My main issue is that she is dishonest, seemingly conniving and unwilling to take responsibility for the impact of her actions on me, and perhaps the others before me.

She consistently complains about the shortcomings of many other people in her orbit to others but is unwilling to accept or acknowledge her own.

The bottom line - none of her actions add up to those of a professional social worker or psychologist.

I suspect she lives in a completely different world - an imagined reality.

Doesn't this fit with someone who has BPD/CPTSD? 

[Retro]

Thanks for your thoughts & support! This person has a pattern of “discarding” & “badmouthing”people who draw boundaries around their support for her. I think I’m just the latest one, and she has chosen to make it really difficult for me by lying about DV/ abuse towards her - reprehensible given that these laws are in place for good reason to protect women & children fleeing violent relationships. It is very serious to wrongly accuse an innocent person of DV/ abuse towards them.

[Retro]

Thanks for responding! Very helpful. I realise I don’t have the skills to diagnose a mh condition, but other people’s descriptions of their dealings with her seem to fit what I’ve read about BPD/CPTSD.

[tyme]

There could be a lot more going on than just BPD. I have BPD, and I'm not sure I would do any of those things even with BPD @Retro .

May I ask, do you work with her or something? Do you have to maintain close to her? Or do you have the option of backing away?

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Retro 

As I read your account of the person you are referring to, I can’tb really say they are classic BPD traits.

BPD is more to do with challenges with emotional regulation rather than necessarily having the interpersonal skills you have described above. If anything, borderlines are very sympathetic and feel deeply - that’s why they get hurt more. So I’m order to reduce the occurance if getting hurt, they may isolate themselves, put on a facade or attach themselves to a handful of people at most.

 But whatever it is, if you don’t feel comfortable around the person, you can either:

1) stay away

2) befriend them to dig deeper into what’s going on.

I used to chose option one because avoidance was my tactic. Now I gravitate to option two.