I had to drive half an hour from my mother's house (a thousand literal miles from my hometown) to visit a group home I have no choice but to move myself into. I let my mom drag me away from every single thing that comforts me on this planet and now I haven't spoken to anyone outside my familyfor over two months. tonight I can't stop thinking the same three thoughts one after the other. It's been over twelve hours since then and I've had four muscle tics going along with those three thoughts the whole time. I tried screeaming it out a few minutes ago and not only did it not work but now the other tenants in my head are laughing loudly. I know that my family would be sad to see me go so I am sticking around, I would give anything in the universe just to have some peace, I'm so tired of pretending to be hopeful when my family talk about ways I might get a little better. A little better isn't worth a gallon of spit to me. My psychologist thinks I have a wrong diagnosis and have taken ten years of damaging medication, but doesn't want me to stop medicating until we are sure. If anything could make me want to be medicated less they've finally found it. I can't live by myself, I can't live with family I'm a thousand miles from the place where I was homeless but now I'm in an environment that has different dangers than where I was and I can't safely just sleep on the streets here. Now I have to submit myself to the care of others, the single most abhorrent idea to me there ever has been. Once I move into this forced situation I will be under twenty four hour a day supervision, with a bedtime, like I'm a child again. They also will not let me cook for three months and cooking is just about the only thing I do like. I'm so tired of waiting for everyone to sleep so I can cry for hours, almost as tired as I am of no one ever talking to me about anything except my worthless brain. There is no part of the person I remember being left, except a horrible sense of guilt when I think about myself, or my family or my desire to not be here anymore. I'm lost in the dark and every step forward turns out to be a step back. I can't help but think I'm already in hell. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without becoming so terrified or livid or both that the strength of the feeling shocks and benumbs me. When I look in the mirror I see Evil, sometimes I can't look away. How can I continue this? what choice do I have but continuance?
I wish I had something actually helpful to say, but I'm afraid I don't. I hope it helps a tiny bit to talk it out here in Forum Land.
