Lived Experience Forum

[Pinkflower]

Hi guys,

I rarely post on here so I appreciate any responses I get but understand I probably won't get many comments because I don't really contribute to this community. 

I have bipolar/schizoaffective disorder (depends who you ask!) & anxiety. I have a history of anorexia which had very intense and restrictive treatments that were really, really traumatising & most of the time I feel like part of me died when I was in hospital & I'm now missing part of me that I will never recover.

Usually I manage really well, I take my medication and haven't been unwell except in the one instance I suddenly stopped my medication (worst decision of my life) & most people around me at work and in my new town dont know I even have mental health issues - I think they think I'm a bit odd but I'm certainly not out in my current life phase as I have been in the past.

a year ago, under direction of my long suffering psychiatrist, I stopped taking antidepressants because the risk of mania was just too high for me but continued other medication. I haven't been depressed but I've been extremely anxious since then and initially I put it down to the pandemic and being isolated and lonely. But it's been getting progressively worse. I see a psychologist via Skype and none of her strategies seem to work. I crashed my car about 2 months ago and that made the anxiety even worse (car was dented, I was fine) & I keep imagining that it could have been a person I hit rather than a pole and grossly exaggerating things in my head which are so far fetched compared to what actually happened.

I'm struggling hugely with flashbacks from my coercive and restrictive treatment and I am struggling to sleep because I just see the many "interventions" over and over in my brain. I'm very conscious of not going into details about my experiences for fear of triggering other people. It's very distressing to me and I feel like nothing will ever take away those memories and I feel like there is no justice because when I tried to complain the service and MH complaints commission fucked me around for so long that I don't have time to take legal action now. 

I'm not suicidal or anything, but tonight I feel so on edge and upset. I live in a new area and don't really have anyone I could tell and everyone who does know my experiences is asleep and I can't wake them up to tell them I feel bad. 

I'm considering asking to go on an antidepressant again, even though there's a risk of mania I think I'd accept that risk if it meant everything is toned down a notch and my brain doesn't feel like it's on fire constantly.

[greenpea]

@Pinkflower  Hi Pinkflower I also have bipolar I and or schizoaffective disorder depending upon who you ask lol. I would love to give up my meds but have my family who keep me on the straight and narrow. I am on a anti depressent 10 mg which I need to help get me out of bed plus other meds.  Out of all my meds it is my anti depressent I like the most as it doesnt change me eg: my voices it just makes me feel a bit better in myself. Love peaxxx

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @Pinkflower,

Our community is always here to support you no matter how regularly you post💙

I am so sorry to hear about the experiences you have had in hospital and the ongoing impact they have had on your life. Dealing with the ongoing impact and medication changes during the pandemic is a lot to carry on your shoulders- I'm really grateful you reached out so we can sit with you today. You mentioned things have been going downhill and seeing a psychologist on a regular basis. Have you also spoken with your psychiatrist?

I also wanted to share a discussion thread that you might be interested in Let`s talk about Bipolar. You may find other people in that discussion who can relate to what you are going through right now 💙