Lived Experience Forum

[Neelix]

I was thinking ...yep I do that. If I work, have housing, go to family gatherings, exercise, travel now and then, attend medical appointments. People who surroud my life might say. Your doing ok, a lot of ppl dont have what you have. It is the above list (probably could add a few things) that could make me appear functional and living my life. Inside the home? eating issues, hearing voices, struggle with personal care, bursts of anxiety to food shop or go out, get angry taking meds - is like? well chat to pyschologist and support worker, sound board sane forums. The 'wave' of coping, dealing, trying approaches to manage daily things inside the home consumes me at times. So? with these 2 'styles' of life I like to call it...then? ...I say to myself where is the euphoria, the dopamine, the vision to plan for the next 2-3 months.

Either I have it wrong or I'm not doing enough. I do what I'm suppose to do I think. I am chaotic in my mind. I try to be methodical and have a routine. There is no 'fuzzy' feelings there to speak of. Anyhow what happened to my 'fuzzy' feelings OR maybe I didn't get any when I was born lol I also do s***t like that and laugh at my own irony which some cannot cope with from me. Anyway I'm waffling...but?

No medical staff have ever said that I would be cured from schizoaffective bipolar disorder. It did take me a while to work out that 'no one' said that. I had this ideal that medication would help me feel better and to manage the part of my life that was tumultuous. It dulled me. It made me boring. I stopped laughing. I stopped crying.

I am automoton. I use cues and visual prompts to manage the 2 'lists' above.

The question is? do others with bipolar question as I do? or others for that matter. Its an ambiguous question ..umm...like? sporadic thoughts, why 2-3 thoughts at once, why when I experience or see something I think 2-3 other scenarios (tho I think most do) and ppl are like? where did that come from or you should tell others what your thinking, ...I'm trying to give you a picture of how my mind see's things but well it may not be clear.

Is MI complex?? or do I make it complex for myself

[-Rayne-]

@Neelix I have different diagnoses to you but your experience is very much like mine. I don't think you're making it more complex. I think the diagnoses don't capture reality. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Neelix
I think you wrote that out so well and clearly. As @-Rayne- said, i dont think mi labels or their list of symptoms really describes anything near what it is like, or feels like in the uniqueness of every person and how we sense/perceive/relate to the world. I can relate to some of what you write, i always see so many different sides to every thing, making choices can be hard...
MI is complex because we're all so different!

[Neelix]

Many thanks @-Rayne- and @Former-Member. I needed to hear someone say what you both have said. I feel relief now...really? it has meant a lot to me