Lived Experience Forum

[Annabella]

Hello, this is the first time I am sharing about my mental health on a public forum such as this. It is very daunting however I am at my wits end. I am not sure if this will do anything or help at all, I am mostly hoping I could find a likeminded person that could help me understand my problem.

For maybe the last 9 or 10 years my anxiety has been rapidly getting worse and my overall mental health has been declining. My anxiety has always been rather overbearing however a few years ago I noticed a change where it had manifested into something else. I was diagnosed with Obessive Compulsive Disorder and ever since then I have been stuck in a constant cycle of compulsions. 

It has gotten to the point where it is taking over my days and effecting a lot of variables in my life, including relationships and responsibilities. I am no longer in control of my life and my mind is taking over. I am officially at a loss and don't know how what I can do to take back control. I want to quieten the constant counting and conversation I have with myself in my mind and not worry about every single thing. The frustration has gotten so bad I have once again been having suicidal thoughts. 

Is there anything I can do to help myself cope? 

I am already taking medication, had bloodtests (I am not deficient in anything), and I am currently looking at cutting some things from my diet that may affect me.  

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Annabella . It's good you've joined the forums, where people can understand what you're going through, and you can get some peer support.

I also have anxiety and OCD. My OCD is in the form of germophobia, whereas it sounds like you have the obsessive counting? I can relate to how it can take over your thoughts and actions. 

I'm very sorry to hear that you've been having suicidal thoughts....I'm wondering if you have any professional support, like a supportive GP, psychologist or psychiatrist?

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a member's name in the drop-down box, they will get a notification that you've replied to them (like I did for you). 

[Annabella]

@NatureLover Thank you for responding.

I am currently in the process of finding a psychologist and have an appointment with one next week as I am starting a mental health plan. However, I have spoken to a psychologist before and I didn't like the experience very much and the thought of having to open up to one again is causing more anxiety. I feel like now there is a date set in stone I am having more negative thoughts than usual.

May I as how do you control your compulsions? My counting and tapping (as I call it) is becoming nonstop throughout the day. 

[Sphinxly]

Hey @Annabella,

Welcome to the forums. I'm the moderator this morning 🙂

I'm glad you were able to sit with the anxiety and share your story here. I can see you are already getting some support from our fabulous community. I'm a bit concerned about a couple of things you mentioned in your post so i'll send you a private email. 

Talk soon,

Sphinxly 🐣

[NatureLover]

Hi @Annabella , it's good you have an upcoming appointment with a psychologist - they are hard to get into at the moment, with Covid stress affecting everyone. I hope your first appointment goes well, and is a more positive experience this time. It's definitely worth having a psychologist, in my experience.

Of course you can ask...I am very fortunate to live alone due to the germophobia and some other MIs (mental illnesses), so this helps me to keep my environment "clean" in my head. So when I go out and get triggered by possible germs, I clean everything when I get home (shower, wash hair, clean car, wash clothes) and then I'm back to coping. So I'm not really dealing with the compulsions at this stage, I'm just getting by... The reason for this is I have more urgent issues that I've been working on in therapy, like my hoarding disorder and my complex childhood trauma. 

The therapy for OCD is tough - it's called ERP, Exposure Response Prevention Therapy, and it means exposing yourself to your fears (for me, germs) and then not doing the comforting rituals afterwards. I have done a little ERP, and have had not much success with it so far, to be honest. I've had more success with dealing with some of my compulsions myself, when I was ready.

I'm sorry, this is probably not very encouraging for you...but I do think that your counting and tapping being non-stop needs some help and support, and you definitely deserve that help and support. 🙂

[Annabella]

Yes they have been very hard to get into. I was rejected by two psychologists that I believe could really be beneficial for me, as COVID means they aren't taking on any new paitents. I will give the psychologist a good go and try to get past the fear and anxiety that surrounds it. Hopefully they can help me cope a little better. 

ERP sounds very confronting... I don't think I have enpough will power to do something like that. I might look into it a bit more and see if I can try it. 

Thank you for sharing with me!

[NatureLover]

@Annabella  I'm sorry you couldn't get into either of the 2 psychologists you wanted...hopefully the one you did get into will also be good.

I admit, I find ERP therapy frightening...the very thought of my whole house being contaminated by germs scares me - how would I cope? I guess I'd just have to... But researching it sounds like a good idea, I hope you can get a better idea of what's involved. I think ERP is something you have to be ready for...the things I tried at home, by myself, worked well for me. 

If you type 'OCD' into the search bar here, there are a lot if threads on it, too...

[Gwynn]

Hi @Annabella , I'm sorry that things have gotten that bad for you with your anxiety and OCD.  Have you tried meditation?  https://declutterthemind.com/guided-meditation/anxiety/ might be worth a shot.

[Annabella]

Hi Gywnn, 

I have done group meditation before and it was a weekly activity when I was in highschool, however it was a very prayer focused activity, so I wasn't very interested. I also never could completely shut my mind off and calm myself. I have had a read of the link you shared and how it refers to meditation as mindfulness. I might give it another go and see how I go. 

Thank you for sharing that with me 🙂 

[Gwynn]

Hi @Annabella, hope you are going well today!

To me, it's not about shutting the mind off, it's about treating the mind's chatter like I treat an annoying radio station. 'Yes, I hear you, shock jock, however, I choose not to follow along with your train of thought.' Headspace explains it like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN6g2mr0p3Q