Lived Experience Forum

[yourpastisagift]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and the reason I am here is because I feel stuck right now.

About a month ago my friend committed suicide. Since then, I can't seem to move forward. I find myself going over and over in my mind, How could I not see this coming? Did she put out signs and I missed them because I didn't know what to look for?

I am at a loss and every time I close my eyes I see her beautiful face and her gorgeous smile and I cry. I feel that I have failed her. She was only 35 years old and had her whole life in front of her.

I have suffered depression in my life, twice! But somehow you manage to go on and hope that tomorrow brings something... anything... that is not what you are going through at the time.

She seemed so happy. I am just overwhelmed with this incredible sadness. I just feel lost right now.

thanks for listening...

[Sans911]

@yourpastisagiftI am so very sorry you lost a beautiful friend to suicide.Often, people who feel suicidal feel such shame and stigma about their dark feelings, and sometimes they don't feel they are able to share their pain with anyone. They don't want to burden you with their troubles as perhaps you are also dealing with your own strruggles. That doesn't mean they stopped loving you.Unfortuntely their own emotionl pain was too overwhelming and they could see no way out from that darkness, no better future, no hope for changing their tommorows. Being suicidal is complex and not esy to experience or explain. Somwtimes  there are subtle signs of not wanting to live, like in the worrds they may say, or they may give prized possessions away. But suicide is often impulsive too, after a traumatic even they can't handle, like a breakup, death of someone close. Sometimes people with depression can't go on; they feel like you do, stuck, helpless, lost, alone. Please remember you are greiving your beautiful friend; try to remember her as a happy, beautiful person. And maybe consider getting some proffessional help to cope with your grief- There are lots of organistions like White Wreath, LifeLine, Beyond Blue, SANE Helplines. You will find support on the forums anytime you want to tlk about it. Please take care of yourself. You are precious and you matter as well.

[Owlunar]

Hi @yourpastisagift

I am so sorry - I know this is a terrible time for you and most likely will be for some time

You wrote

"I have suffered depression in my life, twice! But somehow you manage to go on and hope that tomorrow brings something...anything...that is not what you are going through at the time"

Alas - I cannot but wonder the same thing - I have had two suicides in my family - my son and my cousin - I knew my son was most likely going to complete the act but my cousin was a complete surprise - and a terrible shock - so yes

I can't know what you are feeling but I know how it was for me - and trying to sort through all the emotions about those times is really hard - and @Sans911 has added some thoughts here too - about how much people are suffering when the do complete the act - for me - I am on the other side - how did I get past it

My cousin wasn't in my life everyday but we did email each other and it was a terrible shock but it past off though I still feel that moment when I heard at times - with my son - I will never get past it - I will live around it for the rest of my life

All I can say is that time passes and our emotions mature with us - but it is a terrible thing - for those around as well as those who have taken their own lives from us

And I do love your profile name "Your past is a gift" - what a wonderful thought.

I wish you the best - I am glad you have joined us and I hope you stay and get to know some people - there are many here and everyone here has their story to draw their thought from

Dec

[Former-Member]

Hello @yourpastisagift

So sorry for the loss of your friend.  Please don't feel guilty. Your friend knows you love her and now honouring her memory close to your heart - that is what matters now. She wouldn't  want you to suffer or feel sad.

Please know that this is "in no way your fault and let any guilt eating you up go". Most people who do succeed in committing suicide "never talk about it or reach out" for fear of stigma, embarrassment, looking weak but mainly because the pain is "too great to express" and the person believes no one would understand. Your friend would of been badly hurt/traumatised etc by someone else that lead to low self esteem/depresssion whom she more than likely never told anyone about. Her trust would of been damaged. This is in no way a reflection on you but where your friend was at emotionally at the time seeing no other way out of her "suppressed pain that grew as it had no means of relief". 

Please I urge you to see a "grief counsellor" about the overwhelming sadness you are feeling as you have truly experienced "the worst type of loss" - an unnatural one without warning. And your mind would be in turmoil understandably. Please seek the services of a psychologist who specialises in grief induced by the loss of a loved one to suicide for your own mental health. Sending you a warm hug x

[Owlunar]

That's wonderfully said @Former-Member - and you are right - although my son did things called SI  - suicide ideation - eg writing his will and giving away his possessions - he never talked about it to me - nor anyone I know of

And @yourpastisagift

Your sorrow is a gift to your friend also - I know this is hard to understand but how terrible would it be if no one cared - I can't imagine how awful that would be - and people say "S/he wouldn't want you to grieve, cry, feel this way" - alas - I hope someone feels sad when I finally leave - no plans atm - I am happy enough to go when my time comes

Guilt is a different thing - after my son died I felt guilty - of what? I don't remember - but yes - I felt it was my fault I think - and I spoke to a chaplin where I was studying and he told me that the more guilt a person feels the less they need to feel it - and the people who really have some guilt awaiting them - they don't feel it

Hold tight to your belief system if you have one - or find a book about grief work - look it up on line. Grief Work is really hard - but we need to go through it to eventually be healed

Dec

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Owlunar ❤️

[yourpastisagift]

thank you Sans911 for your kind words...

No, she did not give away any prized possessions and there were no words that were any different to what we talked about every other time we got together.

I have a 5 year old daughter so I am not going anywhere. I love my life but I feel so angry that there is a stigma around talking about our feelings. It makes me angry that my whole life I have been taught that we are only allowed to express joy and happy feelings.

We have all these feelings for a reason and we should never feel ashamed about what we feel or the thoughts we are having.

I found out after the funeral that her parents separated when she was 12 and truth be told neither of her parents wanted her in their lives after that event. I knew her parents had divorced but I didn't know that she was tossed back and forth because nobody wanted her.

I feel so sad that she was unwanted by her parents when my parents loved me so much. It seems so unfair that some are given so much and others so little. Because we all deserve to be loved.

thank you for responding... I know that grief takes time. I have good support at home with my family, but none of us understand or can get our heads around how someone with so much love in her heart to give, could ever feel that there is no way out

[yourpastisagift]

Thank you, Dec for your kind words...

everything about this event has caused me to appreciate life even more and how precious it is... I now make more time to be with my daughter and just sit with her and look at her and let her know how special she truly is...

Sometimes, moments like these can help us to stop and really look at our lives and just make us better people. My friend was the kind of person that was always in the moment. When she was with you, she was with you. That's what I loved most about her.

I'm just angry that we are made to feel ashamed of feeling anything but joy, that we feel we can't talk to others about our true thoughts. I believe that our feelings are there for a reason and they are trying to tell us something important.

I am truly sorry about your son and your cousin.

I am ok. I just feel I need to understand. Perhaps, understand why she couldn't talk to me about how she was feeling. I know in my times of darkness, I truly didn't have anyone to talk to. Nobody would have understood what I was feeling and they all would have started throwing blame this way and that.

With my friend there was never any judgements. We just loved her as she was and it makes me sad to think that she didn't know that.

Perhaps she felt she couldn't talk about it because we are all mothers and she felt ashamed to have these thoughts at all.

[yourpastisagift]

Thank you for responding OvertheEdge...

As I read your reply, I cry. Thank you for your warm hug.

You do not need to worry about me. The sadness is due to my friend being such a beautiful soul and I miss her. I have discovered so much about her that I did not know before her funeral and bit by bit all the dots are starting to connect.

I am overwhelmed with sadness to know that she was not wanted in her youth by her parents. My parents were so overprotective of me that I could not imagine parents that didn't care about their kids, especially watching her with her own kids.

She was an amazing mum. Never lost her patience. Never got upset with them. I feel sadness for them that they will grow up and not know her in person because they are too young to remember her.

thank you for your kindness... I just needed someone to listen...

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @yourpastisagift

My heart broke when I read of your beautiful friend's childhood - I had the same experience. I understand. Thank you for sharing, you are a beautiful, inspiring person with a deep appreciation of your life. I love your icon image. Please keep posting whenever you need to talk. 🤗