Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Good morning all

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to continue to live, survive the daily battles. For everyone that loves me. I've understood that I have to take responsibility and that I have to participate in day to day life and also start earning a living again.

As I am writing this I can see the flaw in my thinking. I understand things on an intellectual level. I've also understood on an emotional level that it would have a traumatic impact on everyone who loves me if I hurt myself.

But where does that leave me?

[Lunar]

Goodmorning @Former-Member

It seems like there are a lot of people who care for you and you care for them so you don't want to hurt yourself as that would affect them, you also want to live, which you are 100% doing, take it slowly with bringing new things into your life. You mentioned earning a living and participating in day to day life, is there one thing that you could realistically start doing this week, like going for a walk or something?

Lunar

[Former-Member]

Hi @Lunar

Will it ever stop feeling like an obligation that I have to live? I walk. I garden. I cook. I tidy up. I try to have regular showers - I don't like washing my hair. I go out. I do things. I ask people how they are. I AM active and I'm doing a lot of things I am supposed to do. I even seem to function. But I don't feel. I feel detached, disconnected... I was asked today why I opened up and not just pulled the pin. Good question. I guess I still have a little sparkle of hope that someone can help me. I know I have to help myself too. And I'm trying. I listen. I try out suggestions. I have good moments. I have a lot of anger. And I have a lot of nothing. Nothing is worse than being numb.

[Former-Member]

Hello All,

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

No one cares and why should anyone care?

[Lunar]

Hello @Former-Member

We care, would you like to tell us a bit more about what is making you feel angry today?

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Lunar

I find it difficult to pin point at times why I'm angry. And I find in general there is a lot to be angry about. It just comes in waves. And I suppress it. With teeth grinding, fist making, general tension, tongue biting, scratching... and medication. I've had issues with rage all my life and been taught to suppress it.

I'm angry because it wasn't my fault. I didn't cause the complex trauma and the more I learn about the many layers of my trauma the more I get angry. I am angry that I get told by psychologists, who don't even know me, that they won't take my case - and I mean, they won't take my case, not like, my books are closed. Happened the second time today! Very motivating.

I'm angry at the corporate world for making me leave and I'm angry at the impact it has on my already cracked sense of self worthiness. I hate myself even more now because I think I was a burden and they made a rational decision.

I'm angry that I feel like a burden and I'm angry that I'm angry. I get so angry I get confused and then I get even more angry with myself. I hate myself for not being able to enjoy this life I've been given, when so many people die young and unexpected.

[Former-Member]

A N G R Y

Just about to drown my sorrow, I've had enough of doing all the right things.

[-karma-]

Hi @Former-Member

it sounds like you want to check out for a while and forget about things!

Is this the only way for you to do this? 

[Former-Member]

I can think of other ways, but I guess this is the safest.

[Former-Member]

@-karma-

I'm confused and overwhelmed and worried and I know I cannot stick my head in the sand as I have really really important appointments in the next four weeks that I need to attend, I cannot pass on the chance and I struggle with the pressure and with a lot of other stuff at the moment 😖