Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Pcop006]

Ive been with my partner for 8months. I knew early on that he had some demons but had no idea until recently how bad they were. He served in the army for many years and alludes to having witnessed horrible things including losing friends. His parents were unloving and at times abusive and he has some self esteem issues.

We got pregnant early on and lost the baby at 21 weeks which was traumatising for both of us. Following that my partner started to spiral downwards. He would become irritated and lose his temper at small things, started taking on too much work stress, yelling at and abusing our dogs, spending long periods of time standing not talking and staring off into space. Then i started noticing the night terrors. He also stopped eating and started drinking and smoking to excess. 

We were planning on getting married and he had yet to meet my parents. A trip had been planned to meet them for a week in Perth over easter. I was not looking forward to it as my partners mood had been so volitile and i knew meeting the inlaws was going to be added stress for him.

To say there was clashes would be an understatement. At first everyone was getting on well, then after a sleepless night for my partner things went downhill rapidly. He lost his temper over a small misunderstanding and then isolated himself from my parents and myslef. My parents not understanding (understandably) felt quite insulted and made their own plans making me have to choose between them and my partner, I chose to spend time with my parents in the hope my partner would cool off and apologise.

My partner however became enraged that I had chosen my parents and couldnt see he was in the wrong. Things then spiraled out of control to the point where there was yelling from both parties and my parents then refused to have anything to do with my partner and made me to come home with them leaving my partner. The police were called as he was threatening suicide and I was concerned about his safety.

The next day I was forced to pack up all my belonings and move back home with my parents as they were so concerned about my safety and I was so angry and upset that my partner could disrespect my parents like he did.

The situation now is that I still love and want to be with my partner, he is getting help now in the form of therapy and mens talking groups. I am also getting therapy to help me with my grief. The trouble is that my parents want nothing to do with him and will turn their back on me if I go back to him. I realise that I am an adult but my family are so important to me. I'm unsure what to do in this situation and I also need advice on how to help my partner, can he get better? can these relationships be prepared?

[Lunar]

Hello @Pcop006

A very warm welcome to the forums, it's nice to meet you.

It seems like you are in a really difficult situation at the moment. You are trying to be understanding of your partner and his mental health problems that he is facing but is working through them. You are also understanding of your parents concern and loyalty towards your happiness and safety at the moment. But in all of this you ultimately love your partner but also love your family, I am sorry you are quite torn and conflicted as what ever choice you chose to make there are some consequences that are both positive and negative.

In all of this your partner is getting help so wondering if he will get better is something that no one can answer unfortunately for now, as you just don't now, it's helpful that he is getting some support for that however and is usually really helpful but it can also take time.

And with your family and their concerns, it seems like they are being quite firm with their loyalty and not very understanding of your partners mental health, so the best you can do is learn more about his mental health and educate them and hope that over time they will become more understanding, which is also something that you don't know when or if that will happen.

I am glad you are getting some support for this too, and you came onto the forums for that extra support. Keep talking I hope it helps you choose what is right for YOU

Lunar 🙂

[soul]

@Pcop006 - I read your story and can really relate to it in many ways. I am going to be brutally honest and give you some advice that I wish I had received.

The first and most important thing is that you cannot "fix" your partner. It sounds like he is suffering from PTSD and may have other personality disorders as well. I can tell you that you are a caring person. I too, have that nurturing nature having worked with special needs children for many years and also taken care of my parents during illnesses. I felt it was my responsibility to help my partner and that if I loved him enough everything would be okay. I can tell you right now that love is not "all you need" and there are things that are beyond your control.

You have suffered from a miscarriage and that is a devastating thing for the both of you. I, too know the heartache you are feeling. It's a good thing that your partner has sought professional help for his problems and that you have also. The thing that rings the alarm bells is that he has demonstrated that he can become violent. You need to be very wary of this. He has abused your dogs and if that anger should be transferred to you, please put your emotions aside and think with your head. You are already apprehensive about his volatile moods.

It was wrong of your partner to act the way he did towards your parents. He disrespected them and you for the decisions that were made. Your parents are trying to protect you as they can see him in a different light from what you can. It's a good thing that you are back living with them. 

You asked whether he can get better. Maybe, maybe not, maybe things will get a whole lot worse and you will be caught up in it. How can you help him? Offer to listen to his problems. Stay with your parents and if you decide to meet up with him be very clear about the behaviours that are and aren't acceptable. 

Whilst you are making decisions about this relationship, be kind to yourself.