Lived Experience Forum

[Wildflowers]

My life is purgatory. I can't make it better and I am not allowed to leave it. I've been self-harming overnight...my head hurts. It's the only thing that gives me relief. I feel such hate and frustration building and after I hurt myself, for a little while, that energy goes away, until I start thinking about everything I am doing wrong. I lost a heap of weight, now I have gained some back. My clothes don't fit so now I have to go out in shabby old tights...my old fat clothes. I said the wrong thing in a class yesterday. My mother is demanding, bitter, depressed, fragile and a misery to be taking care of. I don't have enough money to meet my bills so I don't answer the phone cause its the banks.

I don't want to live. I really mean it. I am done. I just want to go to therapy on Friday and tell my therapist that I am quitting therapy cause I'm going to end things...not immediately, in the weeks ahead. I won't though, cause I am a coward on top of every other fault I have.

[Pebbles]

Hi there @Wildflowers

It sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment and struggling with a few things. SH can often be a way of dealing with things and/or difficult situations, does that have meaning for you? I can hear you are giving yourself a hard time about the things you feel you are doing wrong in your life, is that something you have spoken about with your psychologist?  

Please feel welcome to contact the SANE Help Centre on 1800 187 263 or via web chat through the SANE website from Monday - Friday 10am-10pm if you would like some more 1:1 support. 

Wondering if @utopia @BlueBay @Appleblossom @Owlunar @Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising might be around to offer some peer support here to @Wildflowers

@Wildflowers I will also send you an email to check in. 

Pebbles 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@Wildflowers

I have felt that pressure to be here. whilst also wishing I was not, and making plans.

I cant give you any glossy hope prayer, but try and find a path of self respect and not putting yourself down or fault finding.

Nobody is perfect and we dont need to be.  We know our own faults as our minds rattle on.

Maybe give yourself a little protection and space from mother.

Your heading caught me, before the mod tagged me.

Take Care of you and maybe you can find support for your mother in community so it does not all fall on your shoulders.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Pebbles for tagging me.

Hi @Wildflowers, welcome to this forum. I am very much a newbie here also but have found it so far to be a place where you are free to tell your story without fear of judgement and can get some really great advice from people who understand some of what you are going through.

I am sorry to hear that you have been self harming. I also self harm to give myself relief. When nothing else works, it is something that I know will help. But it only helps for awhile. And then after I've done it, I have too many feelings of shame, anger, guilt that I do it again to get rid of those feelings. It is a vicious cycle that I find myself in.

I am only telling you this because I want you to know that I understand those feelings of hate and frustration. Is there a quick fix, no, but it is something that I have been able to decrease with the help of my psychologist. It's hard and I go backwards sometimes, but I know I need to try and keep pushing forward. 

I am sorry to hear about your mother and you say you take care of her? Do you get a carers allowance at all if this is the case?

As for not wanting to live, I have these thoughts most days. I agree with you except the part that you called yourself a coward. You have made an enormous braves step by coming on here wanting to tell your story and get some help. To me that sounds like someone who is not going to let this take over their life. 

It is hard, and some days will be good and some bad. Someday like me today, I am taking things minute by minute and that's all I can handle but that's ok. 

I would encourage you to keep seeing your therapist and keep reaching out for help just like you have done on here. I would love to hear back from you and check that you are ok❤️

Nell

[Wildflowers]

I am ok. I'm having moments of extreme rage towards myself and then suddenly I am back again, even happy. Before looking after mum, I spent almost 20 years looking after my father who went through strokes and cancer. I have spent a life-time of holding everything in cause someone else was more in need. I've had to smile while my father collapsed over and over, so I wouldn't scare him or my mother. I've had to bathe and feed children (my sisters) while experiencing panic attacks. I have smiled through so much that I no longer know what I am feeling. I can be singing and dancing one moment and planning my end in another.

I'm saying this cause I know that nothing I say here is going to make sense. I could be talking about ending it in one post and how great life is in another. And there's a chance that I may dissociate and some other horrible part takes over...they aren't hateful to others, just me. I guess ...please don't freak out on me. I will control this.

[Appleblossom]

@Wildflowers 

You make sense to me.  I have similar experiences.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Wildflowers

That sounds like a terrible situation - and you are far from being a coward when you open up and tell your story to people you have never met - well done

About your mother - ah yes - that's the bit I relate to - 

Your mother is demanding, bitter, fragile and a misery to be taking care of. My mother snarled at me to "getoutahere" and I had enough one day and told her "You have been driving me away all my life and today is the last time"

She didn't respond and I opened the door, waited a moment to see if she would look to see and she did not - and I walked away. I never went back - she died 2.5 years later and we were unreconciled

I did write to her though - but she never answered,

So that's my brief version of the brief version - I was not the daughter my mother wanted to care for her and she was in aged care - but it seems that you are your mother's carer and stuck with it right now

I forget who said it but you need an income - at least to get yourself a new pair of trakky daks - wow - does your mother get a pension because you need to accesss something to cover your expenses - you are in a really bad place

Please don't beat yourself up for this situation - I don't know any more of your story than what you have written here and that sounds like Purgatory indeed - 

You need to access some Aged Care Resources - Try typing something like Myagedcare.gov into your browser - maybe you can get your mother into respite for a while to give yourself a break - no one needs to have an elder abusing them the way your mother is abusing you - I gather she has some kind of MI or dementia

You need an income to begin with and it's my suggestion that you stick with your therapist

We have all done something wrong in our life - that's human nature -  but I am concern about your thoughts of ending things - there has to be a way to pick through the bits and pieces to find a better way and you do need help with all of that

Other people have already written some good stuff here and we all come at it from different points of view - I get the horrible mother bit - and I care a whole lot and hope you will continue to post here and get the support other people are pleased to be able to give

Dec

[Former-Member]

Gosh @Wildflowers sounds like a lot has happened in your life.

I think what you are saying makes perfect sense and there will be people on here that you can relate too.

I am sorry to hear about your father. I cared for my father through a terminal illness until his passing two years ago. My mother suffers from depression so was unable to support him as much as he needed. I am not saying this to take away from your horrible experience, but to let you know that there are people on here that will understand what you are saying.

And I don't think it matters what you say, we will not 'freak out' on you😀

[Wildflowers]

This is really helping. It helps to read that others have had similar situations me. I'm cooking but will write some more later tonight. 💓

[utopia]

@Wildflowers. You are not alone in feeling like this.
Earlier this year my depression took hold of me. My bills were piling up. I was fighting to get Workcover to pay me. My son moved to my mums and wouldn't come home. Nothing was going right.
The depression fed my negative self talk and that led to suicidal thinking and making a plan. I was done with having to struggle through life.If this was life, then I wwanted out.
I told my psuchologist about my suicidal thoughts and he said I needed to go to hospital.
At hospital, I was looked after by a different psychiatrist. I told him that he couldn't 'fix' me. That I was 'unfixable' & that it didn't matter, because when I got out of hospital I could do my plan anyway, & die.
So he played around with my meds. Increased some. Added new ones. Took me off some.
Gradually the meds started to work & I was sent home.
5 weeks later & life is not perfect - but I'm feeling better all the time. I notice the good things more. My negative self talk is quieter. I enjoy more moments of my day. And I don't think about suicide anymore.
I still have a long way to get back to a good fulfilling life, but I'm slowly seeing some positive changes.
I hope that you are able to recognise that with some help and time, your feelings and thoughts will change.
I wish you well.