Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

First of all, yes I'm in therapy and yes I take medication. That sorted, moving on. I'm in a pretty dark place. Relentless feelings if abandoning her. I grew up being taught I was responsible for her. I never really had a mother and she like to pick and choose when it suited her to be one. 

Common sense that over time, I lost any interest in even trying anymore. I cut all contact in December last year. It took me 34 years to do it. She has done extensive damage. Unfortunately, so have the two other members of that family. I say that family because I don't feel any connection there. 

Typical family structure, younger sister, father and mother scenario. All three bled me dry. I lost my innocent niece too. I was done in before that but it just took it to a whole other level. 

I don't have time for people anymore. I really don't. I'm tired of life. I'm always tired. I just have nothing left. I have no energy. The thought if anyone talking to me about a problem is even tiring. I don't feel like talking to anyone. It's too much energy. Most people don't listen anyway. Sometimes I actually like being alone. I'm tired of trying to understand people. I'm tired if seeing bad things in the world say after day. 

I can't even relate to things anymore. I'm completely turned off social media. I don't watch the television. I That us nothing new. I don't know I just feel numb and disconnected with no real desire to connect. 

Anyhow, I don't like feeling like Zi abandoned her. It's like a stuck record. I definitely think she has a mental illness, undiagnosed. She is a strange person. Unstable moods. Abusive.I just had enough and had to cut contact. It was the only thing left to do if I was ever going to find a tiny nuggett of being somewhat happy. 

I had a severe mental breakdown almost a month ago. Just felt like getting it out. 

Thanks. 

[theposterboy]

@Powderfinger ,

It certainly sounds like you are going through a very dark time of your life. I think it's brave to reach out and to express how you are feeling - especially when you are tired of people and of talking to others, as you said - something to take note of perhaps, that nonetheless here you are, talking to others.

Cutting ties in one place may make room for making new ties elsewhere, or even retying the knot of the ties you cut, differently. 

Keep posting, stay connected, and stay safe.

theposterboy

[NatureLover]

Hi @Powderfinger , I was wondering, maybe it's the time to focus on you right now, with your nervous breakdown, and being in such a dark place...maybe you can sort out your feelings about your mother later, once you're back to feeling stronger...or maybe your therapist will have a better idea...

Anyway, I hope you won't beat yourself up, as an abusive mother probably wouldn't help your current situation much.

Thinking of you and sending lots of best wishes for recovery and strength and energy...

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLover 

Yes, I will be telling my therapist On Tuesday that it isn't the right time to deal with any family stuff at all. 

She us the therapist so will follow her guidance if it feels right. 

My partner although dear to me, holds the same attributes as my mother. Stonewalling especially. 

I love her. I need to put me first now. I'm pretty sure our relationship is finished. Nine months of stonewalling, manipulation and extensive damage has well pretty much done it in. 

I have no resentment towards her. She herself had a horrendous childhood. We both did. Our childhoods are no reason to stay in toxic, destructive and unloving behaviours in a relationship. It's not sustainable for a future. Eventually it all comes crashing down and that has finally happened. 

I've no chance if recovery staying in a relationship like that. I'm devastated if course. Deeply sad. I just can't fix this. I honestly have hot nothing. I'm totally depleted physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and she doesn't get that she us re-tramatiding me over and over and over again. It's at the point that it has to end. I feel there are no other choices available to me. 

She goes to therapy, and I feel terrible because she is trying. How much slek do I cut though? How much understanding, love and compassion do I give to my own detriment. I'm not good at being good to myself but I'm trying. 

There's nothing left to do anymore. I can't be with someone who acts their past out with the partner who is present, loving, attentive, sweet, kind, giving, generous and all I want is just to be loved. 

I'm tired if making the hard calls in life. She already decides who I am based on her past even before I have a chance to be me. I can no longer compete with that. I've given all I can to show she us so loved, cared for and safe. Now I'm asking what about me. 

I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. It takes two. It is just not sustainable. I feel deeply sad, in despair, I want to scream, I want some ease. Life us just very shit right now. 

[Powderfinger]

At the very least, my feelings of guilt in "abandoning" my mother are easing. It's very toxic. To be made to be responsible for an adult when you are only a child is wrong and it us not my fault. 

I've been asking myself for years, what should I have done? Asking myself as if I was an adult who knew better. I was a child. It was not my fault. I wasn't equipped to cope with what I was given. I wasn't equipped to know what to do with the abuse. I wasn't equipped to be emotionally present for my mother. 

I wasn't equipped to handle huge responsibility. I was a child. 

I would grieve for them all the time. I'm now grieving for me. For that beautiful girl who was not loved. I've stopped the excuses for them. I've stopped trying to take responsibility for my part to play. I've stopped wanting and needing my mother. All of it just leads to still blaming myself. 

I'm not responsible for the choices they made. I've stopped thinking I need to forgive them to heal. That's too much pressure and I find myself not loving me because I can't find forgiveness right now. 

I don't think forgiveness is a stage that us right for me. I'm grieving a lot of loss and the pain zive suppressed for a long time, can no longer be ignored. 

[NatureLover]

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@Powderfinger wrote:

I'm totally depleted physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and she doesn't get that she us re-tramatiding me over and over and over again.

...

I feel deeply sad, in despair, I want to scream, I want some ease. Life us just very shit right now. 

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I'm really sorry to read, @Powderfinger , and that your relationship is at an end. 😞

[NatureLover]

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@Powderfinger wrote:

At the very least, my feelings of guilt in "abandoning" my mother are easing. It's very toxic. To be made to be responsible for an adult when you are only a child is wrong and it us not my fault. 

...

I wasn't equipped to know what to do with the abuse. I wasn't equipped to be emotionally present for my mother. 

...

I'm grieving a lot of loss and the pain zive suppressed for a long time, can no longer be ignored. 

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I agree, you were a child and it was not your fault. 

I'm glad your feelings of guilt at cutting contact with your mother are easing.

@Powderfinger 

Sending many good wishes...

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLover 

Thank you.