Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pluto]

I am writing about my sister. 

She has 'escaped before she became a statistic' from an abusive now ex husband.

There are financial arguments still happening and she is almost broke from court and legal costs. 

She is now in another live in relationship and has suspicious bruises.

(He has a history of cheating on women and left his wife and children to be with her.) 

Her address is being kept secret so her ex cannot find her. 

She also is not coping with life in general.  

Has lost her job. 

Lashes out and becomes angry at what other people would consider minor issues and takes a very long time to make simple decisions. So much so that they become major problems because of the delay. 

She refuses most offers of help because she views the offers as if I am telling her she is incompetent. 

I think she is on antidepressent medication but I am certain that she has not told her doctor everything.

She has certainly not told me or other family members who love her dearly all the details.

We are finding things out bit by bit.

I do not understand. 

At all. 

She is/was a beautiful, intelligent, capable woma and I want her to become that again. 

I do not understand why she stayed for so long in an abusive relationship.

Why didn't she leave the first time he hit her?

I do not understand why she has not laid charges.

He should be in jail. 

I do not understand why she could have moved into another bad relationship.

I do not understand why she refuses offers of help and becomes angry.

Telling her she is fabulous and deserves better (and other what I consider logical argument) makes her even more defensive. If I push she withdraws. 

Any ideas?

I desperately want to understand and help her.  

She is not taking illicit drugs. 

She becomes ill from colds and flu and other ailments and takes a long time to recover.

[Baboo]

Hello,

This sounds like a really hard thing for you to be going through as well- im so sorry that you have to see your sister go through all of this again. You sound like a really good supportive sister, and have done really well with what you have offered her already with support- even if she hasnt taken it.

Do you have any one else in your family that may be able to offer the same support to your sister? some times hearing these facts from a different person may be about to help her see a different point of view on the whole matter. I do hope that one day soon she does have a turn around.

Have you spoken to any services your self? Quantum or Life Line?

Baboo

[Appleblossom]

@pluto I can hear your love for your sister in your post. Witnessing abusive relationships is not easy. It sounds as if she is under a lot of stress.

Protect yourself (from her vulnerability and lashing out) so you can be there for her when she does turn to you. 

Welcome to the forums ...

[AlienBP2]

It sounds like she might be better off without a Male relationship fir a while.
It also sounds like she has jumped too quickly from one relationship to another ( seeking comfort and support .... and most likely protection from her ex husband .
She needs some counceling and " calming down" I she could join a meditation group that would help you both enormously over a few months.
You would both find it interesting and meet some new " open minded people as well)
After about 3 months you would both have calmness and therefore much grater clarity and inturn greater objectivity in sorting out the issues..,.
Feel free to get back to meet in the forum if be very interested in how you go..,
Allan

[Janna]

I was in an abusive relationship and can perhaps give you an idea of what it's like from a victim's perspective. Firstly, my relationship did not involve physical violence (actually there was a bit but it was minimal in the scheme of things) but had every other form - verbal, psychological, financial, sexual, etc. I am sure that your sister's experience was all of the above plus physical abuse.  Being continually abused by an intimate partner reaches into the very core of a person - the heart/soul.  It destroys all your beliefs and trust at a level that is incomprehensible.  It erodes your sense of self to the point where you begin to believe that you are a bad person who cant do anything right and deserve what is being dished out.  There are so many mixed emotions happening internally that are often overwhemling.  

Abusive partners aren't abusive to start with, and neither are they abusive all the time.  They usually deliver their abusive in tiny, tiny increments over a long period of time so that it is imperceptable to the victim.  A dummy spit here, a tantrum there, a verbal diatribe, the cold shoulder, silent treatment, etc.   All of this is because you did something wrong, or didn't do something right.  It's always because you did something.  You believe it and accept blame, so you try harder.  If you become upset the abuser often apologizes. Promises that he'll never do that again.  You believe it and give them another chance. And so the cycle continues until things are very bad.

Leaving is never easy.  Sometimes threats from the abusive partner about what they would do is sufficient to paralyze you.  Then there are many other factors that present as being fearful obstacles.  Finances, support, housing, etc.

The fact that your sister has launched into another ? abusive relationship doesn't come as a suprise.  Her boundaries are completely shattered and she is more than likely lapping up the love that he is providing her and filling her empty tank (if that makes sense).  

I thought I could explain this in a succint way, but I'm wrong.  It is so complex that there really is no end to it.  There is plenty of reading material out there which explains the dynamics of abusive relationships.  It's very complex and well worth reading if you want to gain greater insight in order to understand and be able to help her.  One of the best reads is Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?" - you may gain some info from his website http://www.lundybancroft.com

One of the best support services that offer over the phone counselling is 1800Respect https://www.1800respect.org.au.  They fully understand the impact of abuse and are able to give great advice.  I can't speak highly enough of this service and give them 10/10 and credit them to helping me get out.  It would be worth giving them a call and having a chat.  It would also be worthwile getting your sister to chat with these counsellors if she is willing to do this.  

Apart from this forum there are also other forums which deal more specifically with DV.  Again these forums are a peer to peer support network that contain members which have a lived experience, either directly or indirectly through family members.  One such site which is very good is Our Place http://www.our-place-online.net and even though your not a victim they would welcome the opportunity to share their wisdom and insight.

Your sister needs support and if possible try to encourage her to get it.  Leaving is not the end of it.  There is a whole heap of mopping up to do afterwards.

I hope I've been able to help somewhat.

Janna ❤️ 

Also this article is brilliant for understanding why revictimisation occurs http://www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

[AlienBP2]

"Abuse" ....is a lack of " respect"( among other things)...,if a person doesn't respect you... They most likely don't care for you
( or have insecurity issues so try to " control you"...in any case control is not about respect either)
These people will be " toxic " in your life...the best thing is to distance yourself problem...so you don't " suffer" from them...