Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Today is a really low day. no motivation, no care, no nothing.

all i want to do is hibernate from the world, my life, everything

what the hell is wrong with me?

i feel that i am back at square one

i am never going to get better

i hate my therapist for not helping me anymore

i hate my psych for telling me 'you have bled dry your therapist' and that is why he can no longer help you

i hate my psych for asking me if i had 'bled dry' my mum!!!!!

why am i like this?

i'm going, and maybe far awy for ever

so much pent up anger, emotion, guilt, hurt, loneliness

it's not fair

it's all over, it's just not fair

[Former-Member]

Hiya @BlueBay,

Sounds like you're on the rocks today. Are you safe atm?

I think it's pretty harsh of your psych to say you bleed your therapist dry! I guess the thing is, therapists are just human and maybe they weren't working for you. Can you look for another one?

[Redraw]

I wish sadgirl that I could say this sounds strange or that I have overcome such things but sadly I know such things all to well, I feel all those things and I don't know if it's the same my understanding of emotions is limited, I think I feel them differently but I know them all to well. 

I can relate to everything you said, every day is another struggle I try to win I try to fight but each day it seems more and more futile, if nothing else know that there is someone else that knows what you mean, that fights that same fight as you do. If you ever need/want to talk I'm around, and listening is my strength

[Redraw]

Oh and ps I don't think there is anything wrong with you I am pretty sure the fault is with the world and and majority of the populace

[pip]

Hi @BlueBay. You are not in a good place today, you've been doing so well too. All these so-called professionals telling you you've 'drained' people dry. That is totally inappropriate and unfair. Where are you going? How are you supposed to have 'drained' your mum 'dry'? Children don't 'drain' their mums, mum's get worn down a bit, but as for anything else, rubbish. Your therapist was unable to assist you further because of the nature of your problem. Nothing to do with you. I understood he was referring you to another therapist. Please keep seeing your therapist and, if possible, report this inappropriate comment. People often make excuses for nasty comments by saying the person who made them is only 'human', that, I'm afraid, is a total cop-out. I know people can and are cruel, but when you realize that what you've said is inappropriate and cruel, have the decency to apologize and retract the statement. sadgirl, you've done nothing wrong, all you've ever tried to do is jump emotional hurdles put in your way by thoughtless, unkind people. I'm so sorry you're having such a ****** day. I wish I could take your pain away. Make you smile again. I'd like to tell you a funny sign I saw the other day. I was working, we went past a vets, on a sign outside was the notice 'Tick season, are you covered'. Take that however you like, are you covered in ticks or against them?

[utopia]

@BlueBay. I'm sorry it's a hard day for you today. This roller coaster of life and of MI is exhausting. I'd be exhausted afted your rough week or two.
Are you visiting MIL today for a short visit? If so, don't forget to have some cake.
Do you feel that the drive in the country to another beach for lunch could help you refocus onto something more positive. I know it's not easy to do. But you have done it in the past. Hopefully you can manage to do it again today.
Sending you best wishes

[Learninggrowing]

I can totally relate. I cant believe how i can have good days then some days i feel like i am loosing my mind and i am out of control. I feel so confused. My mind drives me crazy. I wanted to end my life last night. I just feel like i don't have the strength to keep fighting this depression and anxiety and terribly low confidence. I feel i am self destructive and i know that i should book in and see someone and talk to someone but i cant bring myself to start the healing process. Im drinking to numb the pain i feel and that is doing me no good. I am so insecure. I look at other people having fun good times enjoying the weekend and i cant even bring myself to get out of the house. I feel like this battle will never ever end and i feel life is unfair and why me. Why am wasting my life feeling miserable. Sorry i dont know if this helps but i just feel so alone and want someone to understand and tell me that things will get better. Im also so self destructive im ruining my relationship with my bf and he has had enough. I dont blame him. I wouldnt want to be with me either.

[Former-Member]

Hugs sadgirl I feel same today. My kids are gone and it's been longest I've gone without talking to them and I hurt so much. My feelings want me to believe that this won't end. I'm trying to hold onto the rational stuff but slipping
Hiblearninggrowing sorry things are hard Hope u r ok

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Learninggrowing

I have just emailed you 

You post is very worrying, are you safe right now??

if not please use a crisis service like

Lifeline 13 11 14 or Boyond Blue 1300 224 636

It sounds like you have been fighting hard, what do you think it is that could help bring you to start the healing process?

it also sounds like you really want to hear from other people that feel alone, is that right? 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member@Fancy_Pants@Former-Member@Learninggrowing@utopia@Redraw

I am safe atm.  I can't stop being angry at my therapist and now my psych.

It is going over and over in my head what he said.  I don't 'use my mum' when i was young.  It was the other way round, where my mum would always call me and expect me to drop everything and run to her. and i would do it, all the time.  I would put my husband and children second for her.  How damn stupid was I?

Reg. my psych and what he said - it was because of my BPD behaviour that i was emailing my therapist for advice, help etc.  But in my head it was only an email for help.  i did not see it as manipulative or using him. That was never ever my intention.  Now i am hurt, i feel hurt by what he said.

I need a break from everyone, i need to stop my head from telling me stuff to do and think. Do you know i was not coping wednesday night, so i called my psych's office left a message for him to call me.  no call.  i called back in the afternoon and asked if he got my msg, to be told yes he did but is busy. i even called the CAT team in the morning when i was so emotional and do you think they returned my call? - NO.

i feel so hated by a lot of people.  they all must think i am a bitch, a manipujlative person with BPD who wants attention all the time.

Well maybe that is me; maybe i am a real cow.  maybe i want the attetnion.  

now i am crying because - that is what i want.  i want to be held, i want love, i want to be nurtyured, cared for and i want help.

but right now i feel nothing, none,zero.

so if no one cares or returns my calls what is the point.