Lived Experience Forum

[Unlonely1]

ím nσt єхpєctíng 2 fínd rєαl hєlp hєrє ... íts tαkєn mαnч, mαnч чrs 4 mє 2 в wσrn dwn 2 thís hσpєlєss, hєlplєss, pαthєtíc pєrsσn, pσstíng hєrє 2dαч... dєvσíd σf nσrmαlnєss ín єvrч pσssíвlє wαч.

í wαnt tσ єnd thís αgσnísíng lífє.
í cαnt tαkє ít n є mσrє.
thє mσrє í trч 2 undєrstαnd mч ‘sítuαtíσn‘, thє mσrє í rєαlízє ím nσt cαpαвlє.... ím nσt αвlє.

pls ... pwrs thαt mαч в.... 

... lєt mє hαvє pєαcє....

plєαsє?

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Unlonely1, that sounds really tough and I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I'm a little concerned for how you're going right now and am going to send an email to check in 🌻

[BraveOne]

@Unlonely1thanks for your bravery to reach out when you were feeling so bad a few hours ago. I hope you youve been able to connect in with the email support offered here, May you find more peace within You all amongst the chaos. Its not easy when so much is going on .

how are you doing now?

[Unlonely1]

I feel like I have not a single worthwhile word left that I can say.

I've used every combination of words I can think of to try to make sense of myself.

Problem is, everyone (from therapists to family to friends) think I can change. Learn, grow.

I CAN'T!!!

I'm so exhausted by trying to explain that I'm incapable of that.

My self-disgust, and the hatred 'we' have for each other 'up in here' is something that I am unable to manipulate.

they manipulate ME!!!

Sum of my alters do not agree to even negotiate!!!

What can I do about that?

does anyone have any insight they can offer in this kind of situation?  

Coz I'm about to pull the plug on my therapy.

[BraveOne]

@Unlonely1it sounds so stressful....... Hope you find some space to Be, 

When We focused on change and fixing things it really  was  so stressful tooo and often all the failures of the past become big in our thinking and remind Us nothing works. Theres only so much "therapy we can do " We all  need space to Be , live and have moments of joy and calm too. Ive discovered this is possible too beside the unresolved trauma . We do  therapy to resolve things so that life can be better however it's about balance   Our focus lately is  creating more spaciousness to Be for everyone inside  rather than this intense focus on  trying to understand or fix anything or change. its working and we'll keep doing the things that are working.

[Jynx]

@Unlonely1  I will echo what @BraveOne says about giving yourself space to just be. Sometimes the greatest changes take place when we give ourselves space to step back, give ourselves time to rest and recuperate. Having to always be trying and pushing can leave us exhausted, frustrated, and actually make it much harder to see any progress. Maybe before pulling the plug entirely, you can ask for a switch-up, or a different approach with your therapist? Maybe ask for something lighter... we often forget about lightness, softness, and silliness when things get too bogged down in struggles and suffering.

Hope things shift for you soon

[hellen]

i don't know i can help you but i can say i've been there. spiralling down and down, and everything is harder and harder. it's worse when there are real problems in your life that there's no easy fix for.

can't make money magically appear

cant magically make relationships work

cant magically suddenly feel better.

for me, each time i've gotten this low, i get desperate, and i reach out, for anyone to hear me, anyone to listen. and somehow talking about it and having someone on my side, that gets that my problems are real has always made it better. i dunno why. it just feels better to not be alone in this impossible battle.

if you can, get a counsel or, just for the validation that you are right and things really really suck.

i have nothing else, i'm close to rock bottom myself, too many things keep piling on and my ability to shrug it off and keep going has dwindled. i just want the world to leave me alone. just stop. i know with time and space to heal and just be me and do things for me i could get better... but not if i can't get off this merry go round.

[Unlonely1]

@hellen @BraveOne @Jynx 
thαnku αll. 
í‘vє rєcєntlч stαrtєd trчíng tσ αctuαllч lєαrn αвσut thís ‘cσndítíσn‘ ... wσts gσíng σn wíth us, вut ít‘s tσσ much...

u r αll ríght, αnd í thínk í‘vє lєαrnєd α gσσd lєssσn...

mч nєхt tαsk ís tσ trч tσ shαrє thαt αcrσss thє вσαrd wíth αll σf us up ín hєrє sσ wє cαn αll lєαrn thє lєssσn!

αlsσ tσ rєcσnnєct wíth σur thєrαpísts í guєss.

lífє cαn jst в tσσ hєαvч.

thαnku 4 чσur suppσrtívє wσrds 🙂

trulч thαnkful αlsσ tσ @TideisTurning @Bellarose75 @Fluttershy1 @destructive @tesorosystem 

hσpє í dídnt míss n є 1!

stαч sαfє αll.

thαnku síncєrєlч αgαín αnd í αm sσrrч fσr nєgαtívítч єхprєssєd.

[BraveOne]

@Unlonely1 sounds like there's been movement  in how you're thinking about it all today.... It's tricky to understand DID so much is a mystery unfolding ... And nothing seems static to me.. 

GO well reconnecting with your  therapists and easing into more spaciousness in life.