Lived Experience Forum

[Sans911]

@Owlunar - thanks for your message. You also have a really great way with words and comfort. I like much of what you write across the forums. It's a pleasure reading your posts.

[Owlunar]

@outlander

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@outlander wrote:
I guess your right there. Everything is really grtting ti me @Owlunar everything that i listed to @Queenie and more

I just want to be more normal
Change one thing to not have mental illness

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I'll have to look back to @Queenie's to see what she wrote

You know - I don't really think you have a mental illness - back when I was in my 30s I was depressed and anxious, losing radical amounts of weight, crying all the time, couldn't cope with life - the way my son was behaving - aw - terrible

I was a total mess

Now I am okay - when something bad happens I can feel really terrible - not saying better or worse - just terrible

Now I think the things that are forcing your down down down are mostly outside of you. Sure I get the thing about your operation and having another one - I had a lot of that too - so yes - it made everything worse

I really believe you had half a decent life you would be doing a lot better - you would still feel badly about some of the things that have happened but you have not failed - you have done your best and now the pressure is off you are getting the let-downs in a big way

You come over as a very caring, gentle person - you are not being given a chance to flower and this is not your fault

I am imagining you are here and I am holding your close because I care about you and wish better for you - you don't have to change much at all and you will mature - but all of this is not your fault - none of it is your fault - and I do think that your crying and depression and hopelessness right now is because of what you have been through in your life and esp this last week

Holding you really close Outlander

Dec

[outlander]

Good night guys im falling asleep untik i just friggin hurt my sutures its feeling rely bad might need to gwt them checked in am bad

[outlander]

And thanks @Owlunar might take tou yp on that offer. Sounds really nice and comfy to fall asleep in

[outlander]

*you up

[outlander]

Will write more in the am but i have been diagnosed with gad depression complex ptsd and also borderline personality disorder


Alright ow im going. Im cuddling up to one of my spare grandmothers ao i can fall asleep

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Sans911

@outlander- you said you managed to stomach a few small things - was this fruit or some sweets or cookies - I hope this helped

I think if you think you could sleep going to bed would be a good idea - I can feel those stitches hurting - I am asking myself when you had the operation - I think you had that done the day before I had my MRI so it's a week tomorrow and you are waiting until Friday - um yes - if you are still so sore tomorrow it is a good idea to have them checked

I know they shouldn't be pulling now - but you have done a lot of work - hanging some washing and folding things - doesn't seem much but it adds up - and of course driving - 

Yes - I understand - I was told I need half of my knee replaced - and today my doctor - who is going easy on me - I don't need to have anything done today - but yes - I had a few bad days - I know how scary it is to have to face something like this

I told you we would be in it together

Do you think you can sleep? - are your sisters asleep?

I can be here for a while yet

Dec

[Owlunar]

Get some sleep @outlander - I'm glad you have one of your spare Granma's to cuddle up with

btw - I have been feeling okay since I saw my doctor - I am not having anything done yet

Dec

[outlander]

Hi @Owlunar@Sans911@Queenie
sorry for yet again my antics last night. I dont really know what got into me.

@Owlunarto answer all your posts:

@Sans911this part answers your questions too...

I wish my studies were worth something but they really dont seem like anything. I doubt id ever use them. They were free courses and I thought id like to persue into another career but I just dont know. I enjoyed learning about all the things I have and it helps to get me out of my own mind but they arent worth much just an acknowledgement of achievment. I dont really know what the next steps are or what else to do.

Caring for my pop and sisters etc- no I dont get a thank you I get yelled at for not having done all of it if I dont. I just feel like I dont know.... am I boring? I just feel like im doing the same thing over and over again. I know its important to have a routine and things in place in recovery but is this really what a routine should be?

Yeah thursday is very fast aproaching for this next surgury. At 9am as thats when they open ive got to ring up and confirm thursdya instead of friday. I just want all this to be over with. I want to recover and be ok and no more surgury after that or at least not for a long while to come.

Peer review has never really happened no. I hardly had friends through school- bad bullying instead and beaten up (literally) for nothing except fake rumours that I didnt even know was happening. I dont really know how to act around people. I mean I know manners and things but how do I really act. Trust. I probably look as awkward as I feel.

I had a few water crackers in the morning and a sandwhich for dinner before I had my freak out. They stayed down so I guess I can try for something else again today. I just have no appetite. I dont want to force myself to eat anything but I know starving wont be helpling either.

The soreness died down and its been going ok with them. I can do more things now I still feel a pinch when over extending and doing certain things but im not on pain releief for them now. They are still abit sore this morning. Last night because of my distressed stated I was tossing and turning but I accidently rolled straight on my sutures then panicked and got up awkwardly and they areally hurt. If they had of been fresh I think I wouldve been at the drs today but ive checked the padding and theres no fluid or marks on there so it must still be ok. And yeah it was last tuesday so it was a week today but my new surgury time is now thursday. There was an opening and decided to take it so I can get recovering quicker.

I remember the day you got the news. I wish I couldve helped you more than just a few words. I really care for you too and youve been with me for quite a while thick and thin and actually I remember you helped walk me through my first pap smear towards the start of the yr as well as Niqua and a few others but you and Niqua were the main 2 at the time.
And your a spare grandmother to me too. A few nights youve 'sat' with me until I was 'asleep' as you did last night so thank you

I did manage a few hrs sleep. My sisters were tired after their adventures with the other family member yesterday and were asleep by 10 30. I didnt go to sleep until 12 and It was a rough night up until about 4 on and off but then I got 4 straight hours sleep. So I guess its something to work with today.

[Sans911]

@outlander Morning hun. You know, as much as you'd like to have life all figured out, it doesn't always happen that way. At the moment you're doing the best you can under the circumstances. In fact, you're probably doing do much. Caring for your sisters and grandfather, undertaking courses: these are all life experiences. So when you go seeking employment, these are very important traits that show potential employers you are determined, you can stick to a routine, you can stay focused, your intelligent because you can get good grades. So all these things count for something.

You don't have to have life figured out yet. I wasn't a nurse until I was 36,and before that I cleaned cars for a living & and delivered pizzas!

And learning how to interact with people? Isn't that what you're doing here? You're learning how to 'listen:, to empathise and to respond without judgement, you are kind, empathetic, playful. This is a good platform for real life. When you get into DBT that will help a lot with learning how to communicate & get what you want. Be a little gentle on yourself @outlander. There's a time for everything.