@AuntGlow @tyme @Till23 @Jynx hi all....I don't need anything, just to share.
So last night...
When I moved to QLD at the end of 2023 I was in a rough place and if I didn't change something, I wasn't going to survive. Big statement, I know and feels kind of dramatic, but it's the truth of the matter.
A friend, whom I'd met once (we spent a week together at a conference on Magnetic Island) had just moved and brought a house. She wasn't working. I was burnt out and struggling - she asked me to go up and stay with her. So I did. I packed all my things, sold all my big furniture, rehomed three of my four animals and left my family at a really vulnerable time for them, and drove up to QLD.
The second day that I was there...she bailed me up and accused me of doing something specifically to make fun at her. And I instantly felt attacked and triggered. This continued on for the twelve months that I was there. I became so small...there were times where I was afraid to go home, when I was home, I was afraid to make any noise...even the normal human noises like closing the fridge door or walking through the house and I locked myself away in my bedroom. She was a hoarder, and slept in the loungeroom in front of the TV. She never hurt me physically, but she was angry all the time, she would swear, slam things, stalk around the home and come into my bedroom whenever she wanted. I had to ask her permission to use the fridge for example.
I sought out help - but I blamed myself for everything. It was my triggers making it difficult for our friendship. I'd withdrawn, I'd stopped communicating. I worked with a friend who is a relationship coach, to develop confidence and language skills to communicate with her. It didn't help. I tried jumping through hoops for her. Everything she asked me to do - I did and then some. It didn't help.
We had mutual friends and they were amazing at helping me settle, until she..well, it felt like, she turned them against me. They started hanging out and doing things together and I was left out. If I made other friends and did things with them, I would come home and I instantly knew that I was in trouble. She accused me of leaving her out.
I went to Fiji for a holiday and came back a week later determined to stand up for myself. I started to speak my mind, started to tell her when her behaviour was having an impact on me and set boundaries. It escalated her behaviour to the point where she told me that I used my mental health as an excuse and she wouldn't throw us out, but we weren't welcome there any more.
I couldn't get a house in QLD because I had to use her as a reference. My friend here in Tasmania was worried about me and worried for my safety. So, I decided to use bond I'd saved for a house to get myself home.
I've been home for around 14 weeks and the day I pulled out of her driveway was the day I completely severed contact with her. It was also the day where my friends blocked me on Facebook.
Last night, after what was a good day that had me feeling somewhat successful. I'd not slipped into the brain fog and I had managed to get my assignment done and submitted - I'd even made the choice of a topic that didn't hit my triggers and was kind of proud of myself because I had followed @AuntGlow 's advice and taken the pressure off. I was scrolling Facebook and saw a comment from her on a friend's post saying that she was on her own path, but had experience of someone butting in and trying to walk her path too and it didn't go well.
Instantly it set me on a downward trajectory. I didn't know whether to respond or not. Then I was angry, then I was sad, then I was triggered and I reached for the one coping mechanism I'm struggling with at the moment. My anxious/fear brain kicked in and my thoughts of being a failure and letting people down came up again.
I tried to meditate using the Smiling Minds ap and it did help some what. I find breathing techniques helpful. In the end, I went to bed because sometimes sleep interrupts the thoughts. I didn't sleep well.
I woke up this morning and I was like...just share it, get it out and off your chest.
