Lived Experience Forum

[Busylady01]

Hello SANE Members and Staff,

In 2016, I posted about my life and received a vicious set of attacks. I left the group immediately and did not come back, until now. I recently lost a beloved Chaplain job that in all honesty, I didn't think I would even get in the first place. But, I did get offered the job and was over the moon with happiness because of getting the job. I trained for the job and did all the extra first aid, CPR and Advanced Resus that were required to maintain the position. Several months into the 6-month probation period, my Team Leader started having a relationship with a 22-year-old girl and pretty much sat me on the sidelines to enable her to have all the important cases that came up. When I said something to him about it, he yelled in my face and told me that it was his choice on who got what around there. This wasn't actually true as we had clear guidelines for equal opportunities at work. After having two such conversations with him, nothing much came of it and he assured me that he was willing to move past our strong conversations. One day before the end of my 6-month probation, my CEO contacts me and wants an urgent chat about the probation review before it lapses. I agree of course, for who in their right mind would think that after going through Mental Health First Aid training just the week before, at their expense, that anything would be wrong? The interview went well with me, my CEO and my Team Leader on Zoom. That night was a work night and I went to lay down to rest when I received a call from the CEO asking if I had seen his email yet? I said no, I had been resting before work. Well, he said then, that my services were no longer needed and not to come to work anymore. I cried and asked why? what had I done wrong? and etc?? He simply told me that he was not at liberty to say anything except that the team didn't feel comfortable communicating with me. I was devastated. I was numb from my brain down to my toes. I felt empty inside and outside. I descended into a deep depression and in the space of two days, I attempted suicide unsuccessfully with pills. I ended up in the emergency department at the local hospital and then in the Mental Health ward for 10 days. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD because this had not been the only disaster in my life, but one of many that I never had dealt with before. Now I am trying to bring myself back from the brink and am finding it very hard. My husband is constant support which is very good, as we had troubles a few years ago. However, we now have a better understanding and have learned to communicate better.

I am back here to learn about ways to live with Complex PTSD that resulted from child abuse in my younger years, multiple rapes in my 20's and marriage and relationship failures for the next 20 years until I met and found my current husband in Australia and found happiness with him.

Let me know what you do to get through each day and how you learn to let go of the past so your future can look brighter.

Kind regards and thank you in advance for your heartfelt responses,

Busylady01

[Zoe7]

Hey @Busylady01 

It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I can leave the past in the past. It is always present but choosing to leave it all where it belongs has taken a lot of time, a lot of setbacks along the way and a lot of hard work. One of the things I constantly tell myself is "I cannot change what has happened" but to live any kind of meaningful life I need to live in the here and now ...that on it's own is hard to do and I am constantly falling backwards but getting up again, putting one foot in front of the other and doing the simple things helps. 

Another (much harder) thing is to not let those that have inflicted such harm occupy my thinking - they do not deserve it and by continually dwelling on the past gives them air time they do not deserve. We can never change what has happened but by continuing to let it harm us emotionally again and again is also continuing to give these 'people' power over us still. I refuse to let them rule my life now. There will always be triggers and situations where those memories come flooding back - and in those moments I do allow the pain to take hold - that can last from minutes to days but not the weeks (ay and night) like it used to be. Learning to accept the pain as well as being able to let it go is of course difficult to do and takes A LOT of practice but it can be done.

It seems to me that you have taken a massive step forward already being able to be in a relationship that is supportive and you have found happiness in - that also shows me the immense strength and courage you have within yourself. It is never easy to be in a relationship when you have suffered so much so to me that is a massive plus in your favour. Build on that happiness in your marriage, take each day as it comes finding the joy in each day, acknowledge you have a lot in your past that has hurt you but also acknowledge how much strength it has taken to both get through all that and be at the place you now are because I for one find it quite remarkable that you have not only gotten through all that you have but are here with us now to talk about it.

My best advice for getting through each day is be you - and lean on your supports when you need it, take time out for yourself when you need it and above all acknowledge the past but do not let it define you. We are so much more than what has happened to us - it may shape who we are but we choose who to be now.

[greenpea]

@Busylady01  Hi Busylady01 still trying to move on from the past step by step. Gradua; process may never get there but will never give up.

[wellwellwellnez]

You might want to reach out to the Blue Knot Foundation. They are the national centre of excellence for complex trauma. A small but specialized team.

[LostAngel]

Hi @Busylady01 I agree with @greenpea Never give up, it is sometimes very hard not to let past scenarios and incidents get us down but it does take alot of time to work through these things it takes time and effort sending strength and hugs

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Busylady01 

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope your experience here is a lot better than your past experience.  

I don't know if I have much experience with complex trauma.. I usually just go by how the person feels and what they need to be present in the current day and want to make it to the next.  

On the job front, We are unfortunately and fortunately humans first and time after time in history, people can do silly things based on greed or booty calls (men and their small brains).  When a door closes, another opens and it sounds like this event may have opened a door for you to get the proper support and hopefully the answers you need to start to live life. 

Good luck.. I wish the best for you. 

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @Busylady01 I'm so sorry this awful thing happened to you and hope you are recovering from the incident and your traumatic stay in hospital 

For me I've treated my psychological issues through DIY myofascial release.  What is it?  Its a way in which we seek to release stasis in the musculature by rolling muscle groups over a foam roller. 

Why do we do it? Because trauma is held in the body and not just the brain.  Its non-localised. 

I met a former psychologist who claimed she got faster results from such bodytherapy than psychotherapy and I found this to be true.

Athletes also use it to increase their range of motion and you often see foam rollers at gyms.

What I like about it is that you can do it at your own pace to allow the release of trauma held in your muscle groups, so its at a rate you can handle.

Typically it involves using your body weight and gravity to roll your muscle groups over a foam roller

You can even buy modern looking rollers at kmart or even reject shop.

Check for contraindications and you are ready to go. Just google DIY myofascial release or foam rolling and it should come up with how to roll your muscle groups over a foam roller.  Its not as good as having a myotherapy practitioner but it works

I also use "orgonite" to draw negative energy from the body. Orgonite was an outcropping of Wilhelm Reich's work with energy. Wilhelm was a psychotherapist and a colleague of Freuds.

Orgonite was invented by someone else who studied Reich's work. It consists of crystals and metal shavings embedded in resin. 

All you need to do is follow the instructions for using it and just carry it with you in a pocket.  It will draw out toxic emotion and any negative emotions you may be carrying.

These are the best suggestions for now.   You may also wish to look into "The violet flame decree" used and adopted by many spiritual traditions for cleasing the energy body around your physical body to heal you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Good luck with it all.  I never regretted any of it.  It will go a long way to freeing you from the past