Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

Hello everyone.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I can't take anymore.  I am thinking I might go to A&E so if anyone responds, I might be there.  

I don't know what I am doing.  I've lost my way completely and thought things couldn't get worse but they just did and I can never fix it.  I just hurt someone very dear to me.  I didn't mean to and if I could undo it I would, but it can't be fixed.  And I can't just go on as if nothing has happened. I'm writhing in emotional distress. How do we keep going when we hurt someone dearly loved badly?  I didn't want to live before, but now everything is so much worse and I wouldn't have thought it possible.  I have apologized profusely but didn't ask for forgiveness.  It's unforgiveable.  My ex-psychiatrist made me rock everyone's boat in an effort to get my family to realize that things just can't keep on going as they had before.  When the only direction has been downward, someone had to put the brakes on and try to turn everyone around - to make everyone work as a team instead of going in mindlessly different directions. I became the 'bad guy' to try to wake everyone up to the need to change our ways. I don't know how to stop it now to save myself.  I don't know how to be nice anymore.  It just seems like I have to destroy everything because harmony isn't productive.  Having spoken so frankly to my ex-psychiatrist over so many years has left me without the ability to self-censor and I don't know how to be tactful and just mind my own business.  I really don't know how to behave anymore.  And I don't know how to relate.  I've just become angry because everything is such a mess and there is no way to fix it. I don't know what to do.

[chibam]

Hi @Historylover 

I realize, having read your starting line, that you probably won't even read this for a while, by which point it may not even be relevant anymore.

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. I know what it's like to have to walk on eggshells all the time, and the undesirable consequences of inadvertantly saying/doing the wrong thing. Unfortunately, I have no solutions to offer, though.

I'm afraid I really don't know what to say, except that I hope things get much, much better for you in the very near future.

[saltandpepper]

@Historylover I can relate to this 100%--1000% even.

I'm sorry this has all left you feeling so hopeless, there is always hope @Historylover. I think it's really important to take note of your reaction after the event. You're very distressed, realise you did something wrong, apologised to the person, and have also recognised what's causing you to respond in such a manner. That is an incredible amount of self awareness. And the fact you feel the way you do shows you are not "the bad guy". We all say and do shit that hurts people, the difference between a good/bad person is what we do after we eff up. I don't believe you want to destroy harmony or that you've lost the ability to be nice. If any of that were true, you wouldn't feel any remorse now. That's a really important thing to take note of. I know it feels like you're only capable of destroying and you aren't nice any more, I'm sure it feels that way, but it's not the truth.

Just as you learned to be brutally honest in therapy (which I think is a good thing, that's the only way to progress) you can learn to put guards back up in other relationships. I have changed in this way too for the same reason as you. I've learned really how to find my voice through therapy. People who know me see the difference, and it definitely rubs some people the wrong way, but that's OK. I'm comfortable with people being uncomfortable with my voice. Because my thoughts/feelings/views matter. We don't all have to agree but if someone can't respect my point of view the way I would theirs, then I'm OK with putting some distance between me and them. I believe you can learn to find a balance here, if you feel the need, and learn when not to engage with certain people with that honesty.

I'd also like to point out that while you were encouraged to "play the bad guy" the reason for it was in an effort to bring about positive changes. You wanted to do good, don't lose sight of that.

And look, I really get it @Historylover there are friendships that I've completely eft up and despite everything I haven't been able to fix it. It doesn't feel good, but I can't change who I was. And while I was an angry and destructive person, I have to see it was for a reason. I didn't choose to be that way, I learned to be that way for the sake of survival. Of course as I grew older that all became very unhelpful and it made life very challenging. But I can't change that, and nor should I. If I could change the way I was maybe I wouldn't even be alive today. All I can do is work towards becoming the person I want to be now. That's all I can do. That's all anyone can do.

If the person you upset isn't willing to talk, maybe you could try a letter. When people have some context to a situation it can be helpful in finding forgiveness. If you feel comfortable, you could be honest and say to them what you've said here, the impact therapy has had on your communication. Tell them you struggle with it and you have no intention of hurting anyone. Tell them you care for their feelings and you're going to work on creating therapy/friendship boundaries.

I do believe you can find a way to "fix" this. Do you have a new therapist? I think it would be a good place to start, see someone new and tell them you're struggling with filters now. I've no doubt they will be able to introduce you to techniques and help you to recognise when to put the breaks on so to speak.

The more I work towards becoming the person I want to be, the less those past friendships sting. There are definitely still times when I feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame, but again, I can't change it, I can only change what I do from here.

I hope this made sense, and please know you're not alone in this. I could have easily written your post myself. I hope I've been able to help, please feel welcome to tag me if you need a chat

[AussieRecharger]

@Historylover 

Not sure what to say but I do hope that you get the help you need at this time. 

[Historylover]

Heartfelt thanks for your reply @chibam.  I always sing the praises of this forum to others as the people here really understand and, as I always say, being free means responses come from the heart and lived experience.  I was feeling lower than I could have ever imagined when I posted last night, but posting lifted me just a little and I just sat in front of the television for a few hours.  I didn't check if anyone responded because it would have been too distressing if no-one had.  I was dreading checking in this morning after a sleepless night in case no-one responded, so I was delighted to find responses from several forumites - several of whom I have also rubbed the wrong way.  But as, I think it was Salt & Pepper responded - it's alright to have very different opinions and still recover the relationships. It's just difficult when you know you are right and the consequences of others' opinions on other people's lives can be so damaging.  I just get desperate for change sometimes.

The hard part of this current situation is that the person I hurt has had a dreadful life yet she has made something of herself.  Although we are rarely in contact, she is very special to me.  She is my niece so we are part of the same broken, alienated, lost family.   I have played the 'bad guy' over the years trying to correct the perception others hold of her and I have damaged other relationships trying to correct this situation.  I don't regret that.  It was totally necessary. She has never had anyone who has had her back like I have done.  But she is the one I hurt and I would have done anything to help her.  Trying to live with this situation now is another load to carry. 

I am in the process of (possibly) making a psychologist appointment.  Who knows - perhaps it will help.  However it would help if my GP actually talked to me instead of typing away on his computer all the time.  That might be as beneficial as this forum - knowing that there is someone who responds to me in the real world.  He hardly responds/talks/relates to me at all and, until now, hadn't known of the difficulties I was having so it's not that he didn't think he should respond because he wasn't a psychologist or psychiatrist.  I don't need either.  I've run that path and am very happy and grateful for the healing and transformation I have gained.  I just need people in my life who actually care about me and vice-versa.  I don't need him to be my therapist - just someone who actually gives a damn about another human being whether they are troubled or not.  I am in his care.  He cannot stay aloof over an extended period of time and not relate to the human being in front of him.  When doctors care about patients, patients care about their doctor.  It's a two-say street. 

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better this morning and today is another day.  Thanks for your response chibam.  It means a lot.  I hope you are well.

[Historylover]

Thankyou @saltandpepper for your very thoughtful and insightful response.  We crossed swords recently if I remember correctly - and if I remember correctly, I was right in my opinion and, as a woman, my insight on that matter and the depth of discussions I have had on the subject with my ex-psychiatrist made mine not just an opinion, but a very important and learned one, and one gained from experience.

Your post indicates that, whoever you were in the past, you have learned so much from the experience and grown into such a better person than you would ever have become otherwise.  It's been a path worth taking for so many of us - and I, for one, have no regrets on that matter.  Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

As for me today, I spent a dreadful night but got up feeling quite light in spirits.  It never ceases to amaze me how we can feel at the very end of our tether yet can again recover to keep trying so soon after.  On this occasion I wouldn't have thought it possible.  

As for the person I hurt - it was my niece.  We are part of a very damaged, seemingly irreconcilable family, and although we had not had contact for about 20+ years, it had been wonderful to correspond with her again.  Then I overstepped and brought everything down around my ears.  I have fought so hard over the years to reconcile our entire family, and although I have done a lot of boat-rocking to try to bring this about, it couldn't have been done any other way.  No-one in my family responds to discussion but they respond to shock tactics - and everyone had gone to neutral corners to think.  I just didn't think it would take so long to get the beginnings of a result and my own life has been in limbo while I have tried to bring this about.  

I have done the therapist bit, @saltandpepper, and I have come out the other end.  As far as I am concerned it would be 'over-baking' me to take it further with anyone else, and no-one has the skills, dedication and determination of the psychiatrist who treated me.  What I need now is the reconciliation of my family to take up where he left off - a renewed family with different values and priorities.  That's the only thing missing from my life now. 

Life really wasn't meant to be easy - but this much pure hell?  I guess it's only given to those who can take it - for the most part.

You hope you have been able to help, @saltandpepper?  You have been exceptional and I thank you very much for taking the time to make such an insightful, thoughtful response.  It's amazing how much depth people can have when our lives are in crisis recovery, where once we wouldn't have found such depth of character in ourselves.  Best wishes for your total recovery too.  Much of the mess of our lives is not just the mess we have made, but the mess we have inherited and been given the task of fixing.  That's certainly how it seems to me anyway.

Thanks for the chat.

[Historylover]

Thank you for your response @AussieRecharger  We crossed swords recently too.  I'm sorry about that but sometimes, when our lives are in turmoil, the slightest thing can be like a spark to tinder.

As for your response here, you don't need to know what to say.  You responded and sometimes that's all that is necessary.  

My heartfelt thanks for your consideration and thoughtfulness.  I hope you are well and making headway in your own life. 

I got such relief from my distress just by making my post last night that I spent the rest of the night sitting in front of the television.  I spent a dreadful night thinking there would be no recovery this time - yet got up feeling much better to my amazement.  I had been reluctant to check in in case no-one responded, but a number had, and that has added further to my recovery.  So - thank you for caring and taking the time to respond to my need.

I send my best wishes to you too.  Today is another day.  

[AussieRecharger]

@Historylover 

It's good your feeling better. When someone is going backwards, it can be hard to stop them as they have momentum, but when they stop, I am happy to be there to help push that first step forwards.

Just because we have a difference of opinion, does not mean I don't value your opinion.  In fact, I might even get a giggle out of the fact because to me there's no right and wrong in the world, just a personal experience I find value in being a part of.

I take my inspiration from Forest Gump. Be so stupid that you ignore the bad in people to find out why they are good and just keep doing your own thing because success is personal, you don't find it in others. 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Historylover I'm glad you're feeling lighter today, that's fantastic. Despite how things are now, it's great you were able to make contact with your niece after so long without, at least you have that if nothing else comes of it.

Family is tricky, and I appreciate your efforts in wanting to bring everyone back together. I hope things work out for you and you're able to form the connections that you're seeking.

All the best @Historylover 

[SmilingGecko]

Hey @Historylover I am fairly new here. But I noticed your post today. I am so sorry things are not working out with your family.

I came to the conclusion with my dysfunctional family as it was the best thing to do was minimise contact.  I have some sporadic contact with my brother but its not good. 

For many years I thought something may have been salvageable but it wasn't.  Usually after people have had years of therapy they no longer fit into outmoded family dynamics.

The families act like a system where every person plays their role and if you've had therapy you can no longer fit into the dynamic

You may be hoping for some semblance of care which may not be forthcoming sorry to say.

You may have to seek out friendships where the people are genuinely interested in you and whom you have interests in common.  

My family situation never worked out for me and I found better relations with a friend.  

I would encourage you to get out to welfare groups for volunteer work where you will find caring and interested people. That is where I met a dear friend of mine.

All is not lost. Just try and let go of what is no longer working.  You can't fix situations or turn them into something of your way of liking.

I can't see the point in trying to bring back to life something that has expired except a need to be surrounded by love and care.

Just try and establish some friendship networks. Your family does not want to come to the party.  Some families are so damaged that the best thing to do is just walk away...

If they are not willing to accept your situation then they are only going to dig their heels in deeper.

It may work out to be a total blessing in disguise.  

It was that way for me.

Wishing that you have a better day today...we all have these moments when we feel defeated but please think about what I said.

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Just focus on what you can change but I think you are fighting with the old.

Just let it go and try and have enough courage to welcome in the new.

Its hard chartering new territory but there are some wonderul people in the disabled community that make great friends and would do the types of things for you that you hoped your family would have but didn't.

Theres no point in trying to turn something into what its not. It is as it is