Lived Experience Forum

[UserLoser1990]

My spirit is broken. Done. I'm not sure how it gets worse. I can't think.of a single situation that might happen that would make me feel like things are worse. I don't know how so many people manage to have reasonable lives where they can buy a new mug or enjoy a hobby or phone a friend. Usually I don't care much about how much I suffer but things have become overwhelming now. 

In December last year I lost my job due to COVID and soon after discovered I was pregnant because men don't like the word no. I could no longer pay my rent so I packed up my cats, a tent and went and lived by a creek in NSW for 6 weeks. Unfortunately it never ever stopped raining and my tent went mouldy and leaked and my stuff got wet and I couldn't dry it so my cats and I found a shed in a backyard to live in. My pregnancy isn't that hard but I certainly can't work through it. It's difficult to afford baby things and life without money and it hurts me to know I'll likely be bringing my baby back to this shed. My car has decided to breakdown recently then on Saturday I noticed my cat is in a bad way. He's walking like he's drunk. I took him.to the vet but diagnostics will cost 2k. I don't have that money right now so he either has to heal on his own or I put him down. With no family or real friends, my two cats have been my best friends for 15 and 11 years. Today I also found out I have gestational diabetes. I didn't even get to eat a ton of crap food to get it. I have it because my hormones are messed up. I spend a lot of time crying. I try not to because I don't want to be sending bad hormones to my baby but I can't help how sad I feel. My only 'friend' treats me like shit. I'm expected to support and listen to her and receive nothing in return. She has never even asked how I am. She couldn't care less. She just wants me to listen to her complain about her boyfriend and her life meanwhile she's spends her days on her ass watching TV, in a proper house, and not having to work because her boyfriend earns so much money. She eats whenever she's wants never being concerned about running out of food, gets whatever she wants and enjoys her two planned children. Poor her. How hard. 

Most of it I can deal with. Life's tough and not meant to be fair, I'm no one special deserving of an easy life over someone else but my cat's health and my gestational diabetes has broken me because it affects the only things I really care about. To know that I can't help my best friend because of crappy old money and that I'm hurting my unborn son who doesn't deserve it just kills me. I don't know where I went wrong. I haven't been lazy or unmotivated in life but somehow I still don't know how to achieve what others have. I'm completely pointless.

[Keri]

I hear you

[Radius]

Hi @UserLoser1990 ,

Sounds like you been and are still going through a huge amount. I think it is great that you have been able to reach out here on the forums and still feel that there is some support her for you even though you might feel really alone right now. 

Please also remember to reach out to our Help Centre if you need to speak to someone. Please continue to take care of yourself and baby as needed 

Radius

[UserLoser1990]

I'm not reaching out for support. I just wanted someone to know I exist, even just as words on a forum. This reply might be rude but I've no ability to work out if it is.

[Keri]

I so hear you

[NatureLover]

Oh @UserLoser1990 , my heart went out to you, reading your post. So incredibly much to deal with 😞 

I want to tell you about an organisation called Pets of the Homeless. (Moderators, I hope I'm allowed to mention it, to help someone in need?) Pets of the Homeless exist to help people like you, @UserLoser1990 . They can pay for your cat's tests, they can also pay for pet boarding if needed. They are based in Melbourne but work all over the country. They don't have a phone number but if you google them they have an email address. 

You are not pointless, @UserLoser1990 . I want to welcome you to the forums, and hope you find it a suppportive place. 

[UserLoser1990]

Thank you NatureLover, I'll look them up today.

[ShiningStar]

Hi @UserLoser1990 

I just wanted to welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 

I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges that you’re currently experiencing - it’s absolutely no wonder that your spirit is broken and that you’re done 

I truly believe that the situations that people find themselves in have absolutely nothing to do with ‘laziness’ or ‘being unmotivated’ and instead, they’re often the result of life events that are very much out of our control such as the devastating and far reaching impacts of covid-19 

If anything, I think that what you’ve shared about yourself communicates that you’re incredibly resourceful and determined and that despite everything that’s happening for you, you’re still doing you’re absolute best to survive and take care of yourself, your baby and your fur babies

I’m really sorry to hear about your interactions with your ‘friend.’ It can be really distressing and absolutely infuriating when the people that we reach out to for support and comfort are unable to provide this - especially when we’ve listened to them and supported them in their times of need. For me, these sorts of interactions have left me feeling even more alone and invisible, as the person that I desperately needed support from was completely oblivious to my distress and they dominated the entire conversation by talking about themselves 

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e.@UserLoser1990 That way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 

Thinking of you 

ShiningStar 

[UserLoser1990]

Thank you for your message @ShiningStar and for teaching me how to reply properly. 

I'm sorry your friend was so unsupportive when you needed them the most. Unfortunately my so called friend is the same. Just talks about herself. 'I' is her favourite word.

There isn't anything that can cheer me up. My heart breaks every time I see my cat wobbling around and I think of how I've failed my son before he's even born but I do thank you for your message. You must be kind. I hope you have supportive people around you now.

[ShiningStar]

Hi @UserLoser1990 

Thank you so much for your message and your kind words 

No worries at all about the tip  I’m so pleased that it helped 

I just ever so gently wanted to say that it’s completely ok, that right now, you’re unable to think of anything that can cheer you up  During some of my darkest times, the thing that I needed the most wasn’t for people to cheer me up, but rather for people to allow me to feel whatever I needed to feel and to just sit with me in the moment and weather the storm 

Your poor little cat - this would be absolutely heartbreaking for you  I just wondered if the organisation that @NatureLover mentioned (Pets of the Homeless) were able to provide any support?

Oh UserLoser1990  I just felt so sad when you shared ‘I think of how I’ve failed my son before he’s even born’ and my heart goes out to you  Thinking that we’ve failed the people who we love can at times, feel almost unbearable and I can hear that you’re really wrestling with this 

I’m also really aware that just because we share something about ourselves, it doesn’t always mean that we feel ready or comfortable to continue sharing  Therefore, I just ever so gently wanted to say that if you would like to talk more about this, I’m only too happy to listen to you 

However, please also know that there’s absolutely no pressure or expectation for you to share anything about your life that doesn’t feel safe or comfortable - just share what feels right for you 

Thinking of you 

ShiningStar