Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜💜💜😔 ..... Hugs and hugs @Teej ....

I have been dealing with my own “thrown under a bus” stuff, but starting to come out the other side .... I think ....  yesterday worked out for all of us after some hiit-and-miss for the couple of days before that, and a late night phone call from mr. last night has told me our “alternate living space” in the West is now a go-er after that has been in limbo for ages.

Just keep going Hon ..... one foot after the other ...... just keep going.  Each new day will bring changes and some of them will be good or great ones.

With you even when I am not with you ..... you have been strong on my mind 💐💜

[Zoe7]

Hi @Teej  Hoping you slept well and today is a lot better for you. Off to work now but will check in with you this afternoon. Many hugs and much love Teej 💜💙💚🧡💛

[Teej]

Thanks @CheerBear , @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope, @MDT 

im awake. Slept soooooo well. Not sure what to say just now. Have to shower soon and get going to see my therapist. 

@CheerBear . Am here and ok if you need to vent. It’s likely to be a distraction for me.  I also get if you are just working through stuff on your own.

[MDT]

Hey @Teej
Thanks for the update my friend.

[CheerBear]

I was just thinking of you @Teej. Sleeping is good and I hope today it helps a little to have had that.

I wanted to reply last night but was 😖😔🤯😏 I am feeling pretty sad and tired. Muddled middle had a bit (a lot) of a moment at school and is finding things tough. I wish I could fix things for them and find it hard when they're struggling and I can't do more for them. Uni got back to me with a solution that wasnt a solution and is way beyond me so that's going to be a no go and I was left with giant "give up on that one" feelings of hopelessness. And friend pushed to resolve our tiff which ended in me volcano pouring feelings about the oopsies that made me see I clearly haven't gotten over it yet.

The good though was I had a great session with a new counsellor. She talked to me about unicorns and crochet and then said her background was in pregnancy options counselling including post termination support. I think I fell on a soft cushion with that one as it is really supposed to be family violence counselling. I have up to 10 sessions and she said we could use them to work through what happened and make meaning and sense of it. I cried relief kind of tears maybe. And me plus mine did a school thing which was really fun and left me feeling a little more connected with people again.

Not all terrible, just sad and tired.

Thank you for listening to my vent. I hope therapist is helpful. She usually is yeah?
❤

[Teej]

@CheerBear  I’m kind of glad you didn’t respond last night as I crashed pretty quickly and wouldn’t have seen it. I don’t think I saw much after I posted. 

Im sorry that has all come up for you. It is so anxiety provoking and worrying when our kids have a big muddle. One of mine has a big thing going on and I’ve had to struggle to find how to support him, in that actually finding what kind support is helpful. It’s not gf related but has bought him home for a few days. I know the primary school hard stuff too. I don’t envy you with that. One of mine had school dramas all his life even though he was kind of a good student. The other one I had big bangs with at school and would dread the phone ringing in case it was school, which was often the case. Actually even the one of mine who is doing his PhD I had phone calls from school with as teachers misunderstood him when he was in primary and high school. Once they got to know and understand him it was ok. Thank you for that reminder. I hope my response helps you to not feel alone and thatthings will eventually sort themselves out even those muddles are so huge. 

As for the other part im so glad you have landed on a soft cushion. It sounds like things with friend are very complicated just now. It sounds like you have lots more grieving to get through too. Sitting with you for all the heavy and sad that go with that. 

I dont know what to think anymore @CheerBear  with my therapist and psychiatrist. I want a middle between them. They are both right and both wrong on things if that makes sense. My psychiatrist is changing her report for only one thing, my diagnosis. She said she’d only gone off what previous psychiatrists had diagnosed me a long time ago. Both her diagnosis and my therapists have now come in line. Still a personality disorder but an unspecified one. The one where I’m a bit of a jack of all trades but master of none. It kind of means that there are traits of personality disorders that cause dysfunction but that they come from a few (more than two) personality disorders. I’m ok with this. It feels more true to me. There was a lot of stuff that went really badly yesterday and has left me feeling totally messed up and lost. 

My therapist today will end up be divisive and I will feel more confused. Last week I learned some things that are making me wary. She will be on my side I know but .....and I don’t know what the buts will be yet but I know there will be some. I’d better go and shower. 

[CheerBear]

Thank you heaps @Teej for understanding when it comes to the muddled one. I hear that you've been through stuff with yours and know they've come out of it better than OK (even if there are struggles) and it gives me hope. Big shines in a way that is really rewarded socially. Middle shines in a big way, but a way that needs getting to understand and that isn't so rewarded. It hurts middle who is also hurting from the big bang too and has lots and lots of anger and confusion. Little is a whole different story. We need support and not the kind of support that triggers middle then sends them home to unleash on us. I find that part really hard too. We'll get there but I think it is going to be a long wonky road. Like you with yours, finding the right support is a battle. It sucks as a parent to see struggle and not be able to take it away or make it better. Hugs for you with that too. Also big thank you for understanding the oopsies thing. There's grief and layers upon layers of crap that plays into making it that way. I have a feeling cushion counselling is what my hurting heart that is full of remorse needs to move on.

I'm feeling very frustrated with/for you with what you're going though. It sounds so jumbled and so not like a team working together which is (what I believe) really important. Not wanting at all to try and put a bright side spin on it but maybe jumbled up isn't the worst way to be heading into a c-link assessment. Wish it wasn't like this though.

Not long ago I was talking with my psych about personality disorder stuff. I told him where I think PD diagnoses can get shoved when they're in the hands of clinicians who don't understand the impact they can have on people. It (PDs) is something that is a big deep ouch for me and rears its head too. Ages ago my dx was BPD (before anyone realised what was happening behind closed doors, which is when it changed). Recently it was OCPD traits with AVPD traits. Now psych has said I meet the diagnostic criteria for OCPD and have traits of AVPD and BPD. I guess I too am maybe a jack of at least some trades with it. That was a ramble but what I am getting at is that I think it gets confusing and it can hurt a lot when our personality (you know, only who we are and stuff 😏) is put under intense scrutiny and judgment. I feel strongly and passionately about how much sensitivity, respect and care needs to be given to someone who is experiencing it and experiencing the kind of smashing you are at moment. I'm ultra sorry things aren't happening in a helpful way for you at the moment.

I hope the buts aren't too butt-ish today. There's a safe landing spot and many vent-ready eyes here waiting if it might help after. Lots of ❤

[Zoe7]

Have read your posts @Teej  @CheerBear and honestly think you are both doing an extremely good job in navigating all the tricky and bus smashing that you are dealing with.

@Teej  I know you wanted to feel more 'human' today but we all here love you as you are and completely understand how hard it must be for you having your treating professionals seemingly disagreeing with some major things - they really need to pt any differences they have aside and talk in order to help you - and that is what they should be doing Hon because you not only deserve that help but should expect it. I hope your session today went better than you thought it would - we are here listening and supporting you with whatever happens.

@CheerBear  It is not ideal that you have to have middle blowups when they get home. School should be a safe place where they feel wanted and cared for. I hope the teachers can see that it is impacting their enjoyment and learning and adjust their attitude and structure learning to cater for the very obvious differences that middle has. It mst be frustrating for you that middle's 'issues' are not being catered for. Do you have a team in place at the school to discuss what middle is going through and can help to put positive things in place?

I so hear you about the oopsie and the grief and loss that you still feel very much. It is great that you have found that soft cushion with this counsellor and can work through some of that - it never goes away Hon but it does become easier to deal with when you get the right support to voice all your feelings. 

[CheerBear]

Thanks @Zoe7 for your listening eyes and thoughts ❤

The school is great with middle and really keen to support us as much as they can. They're understanding of the challenges our family face and of the ways each kid responds and reacts to that and they'll (hopefully) give middle some chances to shine in their own way. Middle's unleashing can happen with any kind of touch on things so GP, pead, counseling appointments etc. I think maybe I need support to support them though support 😏😔😑 Social worker has put in a referral for a kids counselling service that has family services as well so hopefully that will help.

Lots of thanks with your understanding of the oopsies too. Having this space has really helped. Being able to talk with cushion counsellor will also really help.

I hope today was one of the good ones for you. Go you (just cos and regardless of how the day was)!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @CheerBear @Teej @Zoe7  ..... 

I hope it’s okay to say this .....

Because PD’s have popped up on our landscape, I just want to say that I fell in love with someone who had PD traits, and those PD traits are in my kids, and I have family members on “my” side with either PD traits, or traits that have extended to interfering with their enjoyment and management of life  with all it’s issues ..... which is the territory that seems to be labeled “disordered” ..... and in the hands of therapists, perhaps PD traits or disorders could be found in me ..... in fact, there may be some specialists for whom disorders lie in everyone ....  and for them it’s just a matter of labelling them and providing support for them.  

All I know is that the label doesn’t make the person, because they are still who they are / were, .... and they are people I love ..... and the challenges are in making the behaviours that are difficult to manage more manageable, both from within and from without .....

I love you guys too, and my life is richer for knowing you.

Please, please keep fighting to keep your therapists from getting under your skin and making you feel bad about who you are ..... so called weaknesses or issues under some conditions are strengths under others, and it’s been shocking on our home front to have judgements made with only half the story revealed and out of context at that ..... geez.  Cause and effect, action and reaction all play a part.

Hugs n hugs to all of you, my gorgeouses .....

💜❤️💐💕❣️