Lived Experience Forum

[Charlie76]

I have depression, post traumatic stress from childhood trauma, borderline personality disorder. I've been with my husband for 19yrs, married for 12. We have 6 kids he pulled away from me 9mths ago then told me he wants a separation. After 6mths I met a guy who was really nice. My hubby & I were still living together. He found out & we had a big fight I left then we talked & he said he wanted to work it out. That was 3mths ago since then he's treated me like a friend & housemate no affection nothing. Doesn't want to talk about us or anything. I'm totally torn up I can't stop crying he doesn't even sleep in the same room as me & we're buying a house together. I've hit rock bottom & I keep asking him to talk about us but he says he's too tired to talk & goes to bed (9pm at night) I can't deal with this anymore I can't financially support my kids my wage would barely cover rent. I work night shift as a nurse 3 nights a week, do all housework cook all meals take the kids to school & sport. He works Monday to Friday & does nothing else. I can't cope anymore my heart is ripped apart & I feel I'm bringing my kids down in the process. If he doesn't talk to me about us by tomorrow I'm walking away I'll leave & sleep in my car anything is better than this life. I wanted to chat (text) to someone last night but couldn't get on to lifeline I didn't want to speak just text. I have attempted suicide so many times & I even failed at that. I feel unwanted unloved useless & pathetic & they would all be better off without me I can't even deal with my own life so how can I look after kids. I'm sick of being treated like shit my life has been nothing but pain & heartache. He doesn't want me who would want someone like me. I'm lost & I give up

[Charlie76]

On top of all that he had an affair 2yrs ago but denies that he did & denies he has a 2yo daughter. All I want is to be loved

[KobeCat]

Hi @Charlie76

KobeCAt here, one of the moderators overnight. 

Welcome to the forums and I hope you find this a safe space to seek support.  I am sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the moment. 

I also wanted to let you know about a new national support service especially for Nurses and MIdwives.  They are available 7am to 11am seven days a week.  1800 667 877

 https://www.nmsupport.org.au/

Once again, Welcome 

Kobe 

[Change123]

Hi  @Charlie76

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry you are feeling lost, I to have BPD and am struggling with my relationship of 30 plus years. 

I can see the pain you are going through and yet you keep going - thats amazing!

I dont know what to tell you except things really hit rockbottom with me and my partner to the point of lots of verbal abuse towards me.  Trying to look at it through his eyes I can see how insecure our BPD can make them and sometimes all they yearn for is some stability which I know is hard to give when you are not well.  Things have started improving since about 8 months ago and I think thats because he has seen a real change in me.  I guess I got to the point that I had to make up my mind if I'm sticking around (living) I need to make some changes as I cant handle this anymore.  As hard as it seems I tried playing games with my own brain.  I used to get verey suspicous and always thinking he was out to get me and starting arguments.  I try to behave opposite to what my brain tells me - ie. if I get angry I will be really nice and empathetic and have had much success with this. I think our brains are trained to act one way which is usually faulty and then when you try to do the opposite and have a good outcome it makes you want to do it more and more. Happened about a week ago my partner was very "stressed" he also suffers from bipolar.  Usually when he has been like this due to old child hood trauma I would stay out of his way and I almost felt shitty with him - dont know why but instead this time despite how I was feeling I said to him "is there anything I can do to make you feel better" and he even looked surprised but it was enough to make him realise that I was thinking of him and this made him get better quickly. I'm still just making small steps but things are getting better.

How did you go today?  Did things work out?

If not have you thought about couples counselling so he gets an understanding of your BPD?  Or maybe if he is willing there are support groups for carers, this helped my partner understand more of why I was acting in a particular way but unfortunately the group he was with doesnt like to show empathy for the BPD person, they believe in tough love approach.  I dont know if this is what helped me as he never let me get away with any consequences or lectures to my behaviour.  At the time is was very overwhelming and seemed very calleous but I dont know maybe to some degree it helped me a bit to realise if I dont want to continue copping this crap I have to change. Despite that I still have times where I feel whats the point, I'm hopeless and useless etc and why would he want to stay with me but thats the BPD talking and whenever I feel like that I try to push it out of my head as its not going to help me or anyone else.

Take care and keep venting on here - it helps!

[Charlie76]

I made the mistake of messaging his co worker as I'd been told he was messaging her & something was going on so I asked her in a nice way she complained to his boss about harassment & now he has to have a meeting about it. He got really angry at me & said that's was the last straw he said the kids don't need me it's over I want you out of the house. So at the moment I'm sleeping in my car crying trying to think of anything to keep me going. There's nothing. I went to my doctor a month ago to get help he said it's life you just have to deal with it. So I go no help & just kept going downhill to the point of messing everything up & losing everything. I've lost my kids my family everything. I have nothing left to live for

[NiteKat]

Hi Charlie76

Im NiteKat one of the Moderators here. 

Thank you for being brave enough to describe your hurt. Tonight is painful for you. I have sent an email to you, and hopefully you will respond and let me know how you are.

Thanks

[NikNik]

Hi @Charlie76

What a tough experience you're going through at the moment. 

Firstly, that GP sounds like a terrible GP! They should not have said that to you. My suggestion would be to find another GP asap to get you on a mental health plan so you can access services quickly and cheaper.

At the moment I'm worried about you tonight. 

You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the forums and seeking help. It’s really important that you speak to someone about how you feeling.

Have you got somewhere to go and/or someone to speak to?

If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

If in immediate danger: 000

If you are feeling suicidal, it’s really important to call one of the numbers above. You don’t deserve to go through this alone. It looks like @NiteKat is around for a bit - so please let us know how you're going.

Are you safe tonight?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Charlie76, 

I really hope you got through the night ok. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and I know you are in a really difficult situation right now. I ended up in a mess over a long term relationship and still struggle with the fall out. I have 4 kids now aged 17-22 and they were caught up in it but I wanted to give you hope that it can and does get better. I also have DPD and BPD traits. 

Please reach out for help. You need someone on your side right now. I hope you find a caring GP to listen and help you get the support you need, but more importantly deserve.

💜🤗💐

[Charlie76]

I worked night shift last night (as a nurse) I had a great shift. Usually in the mornings after work I do a gym workout with hubby I messaged him this morning asking if it was ok for me to join him he said no I don't think it's a good idea. Well after a great night & hearing that I just burst into tears I sat in my car for 3hrs until I knew he had gone to work then went home & had 3hrs sleep before going back to work. He wouldn't let me me the kids up from school but let me take our daughter to work & son to doctors when I dropped my son off (he the youngest 11yo) I said bye & started crying again. Tonight I'm in my car again but I'm waiting till when he will be asleep then I'm going home to bed (he hasn't slept in the same room for 9mths) because my name is on the lease as well so he can't just kick me out. My daughter messages me saying she hates him which breaks my heart my mum is pissed off at him for kicking me out & letting me sleep in the car & not see my kids & knows that he has lied to her about our situation. My gut feeling is he said 3mths ago he wanted to work it out to get me to agree to buy a house together & that he would divorce me when the house is done. It breaks my heart after 19yrs together he would do that to me. I still love him but I am crying all day & night for what has happened. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can. I work 3nights a week I cook I clean I take the kids (4 of them) to school & various sports but when I want to talk about us he doesn't want to. He has made me feel unwanted unloved & not good enough. My daughter (16yo) has said she hates the way he treats me & if I leave she's coming with me but unfortunately financially I can't afford to leave him & I don't want to leave without my 4 kids it would break my heart. So I am lost as to what to do

[Former-Member]

It must be really heart wrenching for you at the moment to go through all this @Charlie76. Have you any supports, as in a psychologist or mental health support worker, you can talk to about what you are going through. I couldn't imagine doing it all alone. When my stuff happened I saw a GP who helped to start with a bit. I then started with a counsellor and a different GP who helped me get through the really tough first part. I'm hoping you've got someone too. 

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. 

💜🤗💐