Lived Experience Forum

[AprilRain]

Hello,

At the end of last year I was diagnosed Autistic. I was so relieved to understand why I have felt so different.

About the same time I suffered a betrayal, and I have gone downhill since then. I ended up in a bad place and something traumatic happened to me. My psychologist referred me to a Psychiatrist, who has now diagnosed me borderline personality disorder. 

I am feeling angry. I feel like she has misunderstood me, and that she saw me once, days after the event. I have been told repeatedly that I am not Borderline by various different medical professionals, and I am wondering why she has chosen that. I did say that I am a bad person, but that is because I feel that my behaviour led to the trauma, and so therefore it is my fault. Which I know in my head to be untrue, but just feel that way. 

I am 37, and I have been married for 12 years, before that I was in a relationship for 3 years. I don't see that as instability. I have friends that I have had for 10 years with zero issues. I have issues with my husband, but that is because he spent 2 years lying to me.

I am confused now. Do I have autism, and borderline? There are some overlapping factors. Anyway, my psychologist is going to look into it more, and ask some other people, and get to the bottom of it for me. If I am, I am, and I definitely have abandonment issues, but it is understandable considering what's happened in my life. Am I afraid to be alone? Actually I fantasise about it. Haha. Running away, and living alone in the bush. I would probably get lonely though I suppose.

I'm feeling lots of turmoil about this, and want it fixed now. But I will have to be patient.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @AprilRain , it's good you've joined the forums.

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@AprilRain wrote:

I am confused now. Do I have autism, and borderline? There are some overlapping factors. Anyway, my psychologist is going to look into it more, and ask some other people, and get to the bottom of it for me. If I am, I am, and I definitely have abandonment issues, but it is understandable considering what's happened in my life. 

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I'm sorry to hear about your betrayal and your trauma. It sounds like a very painful time for you.

I hope that your psychologist can come up with some helpful information to help you sort out your diagnoses.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a member's name in the drop-down box, they will get a notification that you're replying to them. 

I hope you enjoy exploring the forums.

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[AprilRain]

@NatureLover 

Thank you. And thank you for the tip. That is handy to know. 

[Maggie]

@AprilRain  Hi there, another welcome from me.

I’m really sorry you feel so confused. I’m not surprised though, it was a pretty quick diagnosis, just one meeting.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, your psychologist sounds like she is on track there, trying to sort it out.

Have you done any background reading yourself?. You know yourself better than anyone.

All the best. 

[AprilRain]

@Maggie 

I have history with the mental health team in my area. My last time was 5 years ago. I wonder if she had taken that information in her diagnosis. 

I have read about it, and I see similarities in myself. I have done a bunch of online tests, haha, and they come back moderate, or maybe. I alienated any friends though. And I have read stories from people who have it, and while I feel sad for them, I don't feel connected in the same way that I do when I read autism stories. But is that because I don't want that diagnosis. Can someone be a part time borderline personality, and pretty stable for years, apart from depression? I will have a lot of q's for my psychologist this week. Haha.

[AprilRain]

I haven't alienated friends. Oops. But I may not let them close enough to. Haha.

[Maggie]

@AprilRain  I think asking your psychologist as many questions as you can, is the way to go. 

I’ve done online quizzes for different things also. Always come back with tricky feelings though. 

When do you see your psychologist next ? It’s a good idea to write things down beforehand. Sometimes, you can forget some important questions.

Take care of yourself.

[Teej]

Hi and welcome to the forums @AprilRain 👋🏻😊

I believe that any medical professional that give a diagnosis should not be able to on one visit. In my opinion, I think it happens more due to constraints on the medical systems and costs rather than the professionals in many cases themselves. 

I know the feeling of being labeled things that I wasn't. For a few years I had a diagnosis of BPD too. It wasn't until I had a psychiatrist that I saw frequently over a long period of time that I've been able to get a much more fitting diagnosis. For me mine has been ADHD. However I still have traits that are BPD. I still need to work on these too. Like you there is an overlap between the two. It's taken me a long time (a few years) to come to the place that a diagnosis isn't the important part. For me working towards overcoming the challenges I face with the behaviours that are causing issues in my life is the valuable part.

A label doesn't really mean much on its own. I once read a quote that has stayed with me over time. It was 'if you've met one person with autism, then you've met one person with autism'. It means that everyone with autism experiences it differently for a variety of reasons but firstly because people are individuals with different characteristic that goes beyond a diagnosis. For me I now transfer that to mean any diagnosis, but especially for mental health ones. If you meet one person with BPD, then you've met one person with BPD. Everyone with that diagnosis will be different. It is often the stereotypes that create stigma of something. Possibly it's the stigma that is causing your feelings. You wouldn't be alone in that. I have also struggled with labels and wanted them removed. I currently have different diagnoses in different settings. In the local hospitals it is still BPD and DPD. In the community health setting it varies. The last time I saw my diagnosis written from my psychiatrist it was chronic ADHD, depression and cluster B and C personality traits (that covers the BPD traits and dependant traits).

I think at the bottom of that is that I want to be treated (especially by mh professionals) as a person not a diagnosis. For me that means working on the things that need working on like fear of abandonment or emotion regulation. It means learning about how different things affect me and learning strategies to develop better life skills. It means working out what medication is best. 

I wish you the best of luck navigating this. It seems that maybe it might take time and more than a one off psychiatrist visit for a more fitting diagnosis. What ever that turns out to be i think it helps to remember it's not who you are but a chance to work on some of the challenges you face. 😊

[AprilRain]

@Teej  Thank you. Yes I am struggling with the stigma attached to that label. 

I was had a doctor say to me, "Oh no, you couldn't possibly be borderline, they suck the life out of a room and you don't do that."  So I have that in my head, at the same time feeling badly that anyone would say that about a bunch of people. Especially a medical professional. Shrug.

I do have attributes that match the personality traits. My husband saw a psychologist one time who told him he should just leave me if he was having trouble. That hurt, and I spoke to my psychologist who I have been seeing weekly for 2 years. She suggested his psych maybe thought I was Borderline, and it is something she had looked into for me, and spoken with another psych involved in my care. They had both decided ultimately no, even though I have some traits, but they believe that is due to autism and my tricky upbringing. So now I am totally confused.

I have decided though that if I am it does not change the fact that I am also kind, patient, and caring. All the good things about me haven't changed. I will keep telling myself that. And my husband adores me either way beyond all odds. He is amazing.

[Teej]

Hi @AprilRain 

It was good to read your response. I've had some pretty grim responses from mh professionals when my diagnosis was BPD. It really sucks. I think slowly it's getting better but it will take time and more training for mh practitioners to understand BPD. 

It was really good to hear that you've got some great support from your husband. How are you travelling now?