Thank you. I appreciate your time x
Im just going to pour my heart out, so to speak, if that’s alright. It is going to be disjointed I’m sure, and I would never be offended if people thought it too much to read. I just know I will feel better when it’s out in the open.
I think the most pressing thing, if I’m honest with myself, is insecurity and uncertainty that was triggered by a recent statistics exam at uni. I’m trying so very hard to hold my reframed vision of ‘I am not stupid, the questions were very hard’, at the forefront of my mind, but having numbers dyslexia complicates that. There are many future units that involve statistics, and though this journey is what I truly want and the future I want to place myself in, I fear that I just won’t be able to reach the end 😞
I’m feeling like the road is so long that I will be too old to be of use in the field by the time I graduate. ‘Life-admin’ is just too intense for me to be able to commit to more than one unit right now.
There are also some marriage difficulties that are a burden on my heart and mind, exacerbated when I feel like I NEED, emotional support and connection. He is emotionally absent, so I am genuinely alone with these inner battles - and worries that involve the emotional well-being of our four young children. It isn’t healthy to have a father like this - I know it from experience. He has said and done some despicable things to them, and to me, but he takes not responsibility for his behaviour and deflects blame back on us.
My grandmother is waking up ‘in the morning’, at 5:00 in the afternoon now, and I love her so deeply and desperately, and know her days are numbered, but social anxiety will not allow me the strength to go to her. It is a horrible, horrible experience. Another, less intimate, family member who I also love is dying from cancer, and his deterioration is rapid. People are saying their goodbyes, yet again, I cannot bring myself to leave my safe ‘zone’.
My mother is a narcissist, and I am becoming increasingly aware of her behaviour and affect, and I’m finding it hard to maintain contact with her - to a standard that is acceptable to her. My father is drinking himself to death. Neither are willing, available or healthy grandparents to my children, and my husbands family are states away. I am sad for my kids, that they have no healthy role models to look up to 😞
My sister has BPD, and I struggle with this - her catastrophizing is exhausting, and her need for attention (and methods to gain it), wear me down. She and my mother fill each other’s ‘need’, and very publicly.
My oldest dog, my best friend and ‘self-declared’ emotional support dog is at the end of her life. Thankfully, by some coincidence, the pup I bought for her to ‘guide’, is just as amazing, but that doesn’t remove the feeling of impending feeling of sorrow - more so because her lovely body is slowly breaking.
Thank you to anyone who took time out of their life to read this. It means so much x
Also, I’m sorry for any mistakes. Full disclosure, I have no intention of reading back through it all myself 😛
