Lived Experience Forum

[HelloBPD]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum.
I'm in my mid twenties, have two gorgeous children, 5 & ahalf yrs and a 5 month old.
I've suffered from depression for quite a few years now and since loosing a. Lose family member in '14 - my depression has gotten beyond controllable. I've tried many kinds of medications and yet to find a helpful one.
I've been diagnosed with depression anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and borderline personality disorder.

I was referred to the psychiatric unit after having suicidal thoughts and behaviours. I also have a off bond with my first born which I'm trying to rekindle, but struggling. My relationship with my 5 month old is perfect and my relationship with my fiancé is good BUT of course I struggle to open up to him,, HELP!

I'm finding it really difficult with just recently being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I accept the fact I have this disorder and that it isn't me as a person it's just an illness I have.
Though I'm struggling to try change the way I act and think. It's bloody hard!!
I've been like this for 20 odd years. How to I change my way of acting and thinking?!

After having a crap day with mr 5, it ruins my whole day and can't seem to get out of that mood. I hold onto the awful feelings and just be shut off and cranky. I also shut my fiancé out and just get moody and want to sleep. This is freaking exhausting!!

I go home early next week and absolutely freaking out. I was told today I'll be going home and I felt so angry, frustrated and sick to my stomach. I thought to myself - I'm not ready to go home! I'm still sick! I don't know what to do! I was furious and straight away started googling for suicide options. I actually spoke to my partner about this and he said some nice things to me which brought me back to earth. But now I'm on my own in the psych unit and thinking like crazy.
I know I need help but why do I always seem to result in suicide thoughts and not coping mechanisms?!

Please help. I don't want to die. I want to live. I marry my best friend next year, we would like another baby, and I want to watch our children grow up. These suicidal thoughts need to stop!

[Former-Member]

Hello @HelloBPD and a warm welcome to our little forum.

Sorry to read you are feeling so anxious and the suicidal thoughts are crowding in tonight. I am one of the moderators and also a counsellor, and this forum is moderated 24/7 so there is always someone to assist any members in crisis. There is a limit to what we can offer of course being an online service.

I imagine it would be normal to feel anxious about going back home after 6 weeks in care and worried about how you will cope. I'm glad you want to live and you can see a life for yourself outside of your depression - that's a good start. The thoughts will come and go (more often when you are stressed) but they are only thoughts. You don't have to act on them, or even believe them.

Can you talk to the nursing staff at the ward tonight about how you are feeling? They will be able to better support you and suggest some ways to get through this, and hopefully get some sleep.

There are many people here on the forum who have been in this situation with SI and will have some insights and words of support for you. We know much more about BPD these days and how to treat it. Medication has limited results usually but good therapy and DBT work seem to help people improve over time. BPD is unique in that the symptoms seem to reduce with aging and sometimes people can go into remission completely from the illness. Look up Dr Marsha Linehan online as she is a bit of an expert on BPD, not in the least because she had the condition herself for many years. She developed DBT as a mainstay treatment.

Please take care of yourself and I will email you privately so you have that point of contact also. I am on shift through to 7am so feel free to chat further with me if you don't feel sleepy.

kind regards,

Frog

[HelloBPD]

Thank you @Former-Member your reply was very helpful. I have since spoken to the nurses and staying another week in the unit.
Have spoken to the nurses and they think I need another week. That's okay...

[Appleblossom]

Glad you are getting another week's respite. @HelloBPD 

It helps me and probably others to know, that you were able to process a little with Sane mod and come to a better decision about time of discharge.

Best of luck.

[BlueBay]

Hi @HelloBPD
I'm glad you have spoken to the nurses and staying another week.
I too suffer from BPD and have been in hospital every year for the past 5 years. Each time I've struggled terribly when it was time to leave. It was the fear of abandonment and not cared for anymore. But I did have great support from my psych and the staff at hospital.
I support everything @Former-Member has said. Marsha's DBT book for BPD is very good but you really need to go through the book with a trained therapist.
I wish you well tonight and the next week. Pls feel free to chat or ask me questions.
Take care
BlueBay xxoo

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @HelloBPD and @BlueBay

I am intrigued that you have been able to have such a long admission in hospital. I have BPD and I've had 44 psychiatric admissions over the past twenty years, but none of them have been for more than 72 hours because the attitude of the hospital has always been that people with BPD don't belong in hospital. Virtually all of my admissions have been involuntary and I sure as heck didn't want to be there anyway. However, as I developed more insight into my issues, I would seek admission when in crisis but usually get turned away because "borderlines don't belong in hospital." Once, I was so desperate after getting turned away, I called a talkback radio station! That scored me an admission but the staff made it very clear that I was not welcome. So yep, I am curious as to how it is that any hospital has kept you for so long. I am wondering if perhaps you are in a private hospital??? It's fine if you don't want to share

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @HelloBPD I saw your post before it got removed (I'm sure you didn't know about the rule of discussing medications on the forum ). That makes much more sense now, knowing you were initially admitted with postnatal depression and later diagnosed with BPD. If ever in the future you are in crisis and seek an admission to a public psychiatric ward, can you let me know how that experience differs to your current one? It will be an interesting social experiment to compare the difference in treatment/attitude/response you get if you go in saying you have BPD compared to when you went in with postnatal depression. Of course, I really hope you never need to see the inside of any mental health unit again! I didn't know they had mother-baby psych units. That is kind-of cool.

[SGde3a]

@HelloBPD,

After the passing of a family member, do you feel like you treat the ward as your new "family" now ? They look after your safety, food, etc, and are reasonably social/trusting. Is that the reason it's hard to leave them?

The drugs they give you in there are just bandaids for symptoms - like using buckets to get rid of water in a ship with water onboard instead of plugging the hole and giving the boat a new coat of paint.

It's really only going to get better if you have a great connection with your partner and you want to move in with him. The psych ward isn't the only secure place you can trust.

[AwkwardTurtle]

I know what it's like, the fear of leaving hospital. For me going to hospital was the start of finding out all the things that were wrong/maladaptive etc. in my head and it was super overwhelming. I spent 3mths over (I think) 2 admissions. Even now if I spend time in Intermediate Care, I still struggle with leaving. It's hard leaving a place where it's ok for you to not be ok, where you don't have to put on an act or pretend.

Maybe have a talk to the doctors/nurses there about stepping down into intermediate care? Not sure if they have it where you are, but it's a place run by mental health professionals, where you can come and go as you wish, and they'll also have optional day programmes about coping, emotional regulation, goal setting, meditation etc.

When you get out, try and make sure you do as many validating things as you can. I always struggle with self care, so I get around that by doing things for other people. It makes me feel a bit better about myself without me feeling guilty that I've been selfish.

[AwkwardTurtle]

Whoops, sorry forgot to tag you @HelloBPD