Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

HELP!!! I'm very distressed in myself and I need someone calm to talk to me to calm me down. I'm unable to regulate my thoughts emotions and feelings. 

Everyday, I lose it. I sob and I lose it. I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I've told my partner I'm moving out. After nine months of patience, love, compassion, forgiveness and my every decision I gave needed to be made, I thought about my relationship I had enough. 

I have told my partner very bluntly and my words pick up your ....hit, sort out your ...hit, grow up and be a better person and partner. You want all these things yet you sit in your ....ucking arse and don't do anything. It us not going to come to you on a silver platter. You have to work for it. I told her she is selfish and does not think about me nor the relationship, just herself and what she wants. 

I said boohoo you had a bad childhood, so did I. I need to work every single day of my life. What do you do? Nothing but you want a life with me, to build a life with me and I'm the love of your life. They are words and words just full of pain now. I don't even know if I can or should believe them. 

I'm not sure if she is playing games with me on purpose or if she really has no idea what she is doing. Regardless, 9 months of continuosly being ignored and I can't anymore. 

I felt a little safe to open up this morning about personal things. When I was done, she got up and walked away. Washed her jumper and went outside to water her plants. I did not register till two minutes later that I'd had no response and she walked off. 

I went outside and asked what was the reason she got up and walked away? She came and sat down. She said there was no reason. She said you say so much and by the time you're done I'm still trying to process what you have said. I said to her I've had a mental breakdown, my mind is struggling to put anything in order. Getting up and walking away is not helpful to me. I really need my partner right now. It's not entirely all up to you, I will get other supports but I still need you. Silence again. 

I had to sort some things out. I did them, went to bed after as I was not coping. This horrible destructive, painful and torturous cycle is ongoing. 

I am still in love. I'm lost and in terrible pain. Please someone talk to me about ALL I've spoken here. 

I can't wait till therapy tomorrow. I truly need someone. 

[Eden1919]

@Powderfinger  Hi.... personally I have not been in a relationship so am not great with advice there and I am not really sure I understand fully what you are talking about but maybe do you think calling a helpline and talking this through with them might be something that would be helpful for you? 

[outlander]

hi @Powderfinger im so sorry your struggling right now.
I hae BPD and struggle with my emotions too. im really glad that your getting some supports in place.
im sorry that your partner doesnt understand, sometimes its hard for those who dont really understand to know how to respond or how to help.

do you have anything that helps you to calm down?

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger  - I am truly sorry that you are going through this at the moment. Relationship break down is such an awful thing to go through, especially when the person we would perhaps usually turn to for support in these situations, is the one we can't go to anymore. 

If you want to talk to someone, please do call the SANE Helpline (1800 18 7263) or one of the crisis lines - it might help you regulate and self-soothe, as well as being able to talk through the situation in more depth.

Know that we are here for you in this. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Powderfinger Any relationship needs to be give and take - not simple give and give and get nothing in return. It is okay that your partner needs time to process things but at the end of that if she is not able to communicate with you then it is important you talk to someone that can ...that could be a helpline, counsellor or even us here. We of course can only support you through this but are here to listen. 

[Powderfinger]

Only sleep when I'm so distressed like this. I can't think at all. 

[Powderfinger]

I've had a mental breakdown four weeks ago and now yet another relationship breakdown in the midst of that. I did not know sane had a helpline. I can't manage a phone call right now but I'll keep it in mind. 

[Powderfinger]

Hi Zoe,

I agree. I have no more left to give. I have tried solidly for eight months to work through all of this with her. I was do devoted, commited and in support of her and our relationship. I absolutely could not watch her go through what I am right now, be the cause of making it much worse for her and dit by watching her suffer. This is what is making me think that love is not present in my relationship. How can you watch someone suffer and not do anything? I couldn't. 

So, no more. I've got no more. It hurts deeply that once again I gave my all. I never seem to learn. My heart and loving/giving nature always gets trampled on and I keep doing it again and again. I just never learn. 

I'm in a hard place, extremely vulnerable, in so much pain and just frozen in hurt and shock. I can't manage a phone call right now but maybe when I'm able. 

I have therapy tomorrow, so this is what my hour will be spent on. 

[outlander]

@Powderfinger you need to find a way that helps you to calm down a little. i know its hard but there are alot of different things to try.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 forgot to tag your name in my reply.