Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@outlander thank yiu

[Powderfinger]

@Appleblossom @Zoe7 @Jynx @outlander and all others. I will elaborate further. It may make more sense. I watch her struggle. I have never left her to struggle when she has. I couldn't. That isn't love. I've been put down by her for helping her. So much gas it happened that I completely lost any confidence in myself as a person and partner. She has said I can't do it for her and that's right BUT She does NOTHING. So I naturally have pushed/given hope. I don't help anymore. I don't even comfort her when she cries. That's how low I feel in myself. I don't help. 

She acknowledges she is doing wrong by me BUT DOESNT CHANGE. Says you can't live like this but then doesn't want me to leave. Offers no discussion, stonewalls me, ignores me, cries when she thinks I'm going to leave, cries telling me our relationship is beyond repair and I've been the one to stand by her when I was needed. She goes MIA and then only when I break will she offer comfort. Sometimes she won't even do thst. 

She can acknowledge bad behaviour from others but not herself carrying out the same behaviours. Look the list is long. Thus is toxic for me. I feel so uncared for, unloved, unworthy, betrayed, hurt and confused. I don't get how at times she can say such beautiful things to me and show me so much love yet this is just getting worse and worse. 

Maybe she really can just never heal from her childhood. I'm sad about it. Some people are just not able to overcome it. My live certainly us not enough to spur her into healing. 

[NLT]

Hi, 

Thank you for sharing. 

Take a deep breath and try not to make any life changing decisions now. 

Take time for yourself, talk openly with your counsellor and focus on yourself, if that's what you need to do. 

It sounds like your partner has her own journey she's on, and she is probably trying her best but having difficulty expressing herself. The only thing you can control is yourself, so breath and if there's someone close to you that you trust. Call them. 

I've been in a similar scenario and in my case my emotions were driving a lot of my responses, and I was making final decisions at a time when I was in turmoil. I have learnt now to breath through the strong emotions and make life changing decisions when I'm calmer. 

I hope this helps. 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 I missed one of your replies and only just read it this morning while going back what I wrote last night. Communication has been an issue from about a month into it. I have felt so alone in the relationship for quite some time. 

It's been ignored for too long. If I feel so lonely/alone in my life whilst in a relationship and no amount if talking/not talking has resolved it over time then yeah there's really nowhere left to go. 

I don't even want to talk anymore. Not when I can be blamed, defensiveness comes up, anger towards me and much more. I need to unpack and we need to separate. I'm going to ask my therapist this morning how to navigate through the end of my relationship with someone who won't talk to me. 

I'll try write more later. I got to go to therapy. 

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you @Powderfinger 

Its good you are getting clearer about your situation. I hope the therapy is good.

Your statement that camping wont fix it resonates strongly with me.  Being together in the wilderness can be wonderfully bonding, but you are right, there are no fix alls if other things are not in place in the relationship.  Dont think I thought you were unloving, I was just coming from different angles and always open to unpacking the issues which ever way they went. Tbh I dont presume much, I tend to ask, and always value respectful dialogue.  Absolutely having a hard childhood does not five a licence to be cruel or unloving, same as having a mental illness does not give such a licence.  Somehow these current times are so complicated that compassion and communities are not common, and there is a lot of lack of trust and fragmented relationships everywhere. 

We all nee to search and live life according to our moral lights.

Apple

[Powderfinger]

@Appleblossom clarity comes and goes. I've suffered a devastating loss and a lot of damage. To say that I'm not hurt and I don't feel completely crap would be a lie. I don't expect much of myself today or any other day for however long. 

Going camping wouldn't have bought a bond back between us. Trust has gone. Damage is there. I'm hurt, there is no acknowledgement. I'd love nothing more to say don't go, please stay, I love you and I'm sorry. The reality is, she does want to be on her own without me. It's her battle to sort out regarding wanting to do her own thing and wanting to be in a relationship at the same time. She has never been good with communicating and gets frustrated. I feel for her, always have. I've been stretched beyond snapping point. 

I feel I had no worth left as a person nor as a partner. I asked her in the beginning, please don't hurt my heart. I dropped my guards, I allowed love in. Sure they were my choices. Trust got broken when my heart got hurt. So much happened and each time there was damage, there was never time for repair before the next round. 

I'm not saying this is all on her, it takes two to tango. Right now, responsibilities that need to be taken can't happen as my heart is completely shattered. I feel lost, hurt, angry, confused, alone, sad, and doing my best to remain strong. I question whether I was ever really loved or was it a lie? I can't get answers as I'm not spoken to. Probably not a good time anyhow when I'm feeling like this to ask any questions. 

I've been living in the new house for six weeks. Six weeks ago, we were fine. Six weeks later we are done. Go figure. 

Anyhow, I just have to focus on the things my therapist said today. I have to focus on other things too when I can. If I think about the end of the relationship all the time I'll just never get out of bed. 

I also thought today, I dislike it when people say not to give up on love. It's not helpful. I feel that is my choice. Maybe it's not giving up on love, for me it's about just doing me. I've been in and out of relationships for so long. It's more a matter of choosing to be single because I'd like to be. I'm tired of giving. Depleted. I'm not talking about the date yourself kind of love, just simply being. If that us single that's ok. 

I'm crushed. Everytime in my life and even more so with this relationship, I'm given hope that my dreams may finally be able to happen. Each time they are crushed and no one says sorry. I'm truly at the point in my life where I just want to let go of old dreams. I'm too tired to hang onto them. I dreamt about being married and finally having a life partner. Not a fairytale dream but a dream. I want to put that dream to rest now and just get on with things. It just makes me too sad to even hold onto it anymore and Aim pretty sure I can let it go now. 

Back to my relationship being over. Pain is all I can feel. Just pain. 

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you about nobody saying sorry. @Powderfinger It is tough.  On these forums it is always hard to know anybody's full story, whether they are fully aware or not, so I try to work with, but we all have our own narratives and biases.  Intimate relations and love and hope are all complicated things.  The best we can do is live according to our own moral code when we are lucky enough to be able to make active choices. 

Gently Bently for now

Apple

[Powderfinger]

Hi Apple. I clearly understand what you are saying. Enough is enough though. Nobody who just wants to be loved deserves to be ignored. I begged and pleaded sometimes in tears to talk to me. Nope, silence. Two or three days before I sometimes was even acknowledged. What did I do, loved more. Consoles her when she broke down because of her behaviour. Truly believed she was remorseful and saw the damage and hurt enough to change. BUT it never did change. The simple fact is I am damaged from the ongoing treatment to the point it contributed to my mental breakdown. I'm now totally depleted and in pain. Broken heart, broken body, broken mind and my core self non existent. 

Sure it took courage to end it. Still deeply painful to do so as one finally sees there is no hope and no hope means the end. She had chances to repair damage. She had everything she needed including me to love and support her while she was working on things. My mistake, investing so much if me into someone who was not investing in me. Now I'm left with the pain, feel unloved, unworthy, uncared for and just like a nothing. 

She even named it many times but did nothing. Insult to injury. Give hope, take it away, give hope, take it away, give hope, take it awsy,. A vicious painful cycle. What do I gain from ending it. Only for the treatment to stop. That is it. I'm still left just as shattered as what I was when I was in it. So you know it was never ok. She says all the right words but does the complete opposite. Words in this instance are lifeless, they sound like a dream come true but in reality it's more pain when someone points it out but does nothing to change. 

So no, actually I owe no one anything. Who's going to spend my birthday with me? No one. I'm alone every single year that I'm just used to the day rolling around with no interest in doing anything to be honest. It's just another day now. 

I met my ex in the physical on the 24th December. The best ever day of my life. No more Christmases alone. I started to dream again and was do excited to be spending our anniversary and Christmas together. Gone. Not happening. Just another lonely Christmas with loss and grief. Do I feel anything. Just a numbing pain that doesn't leave. Does anyone care. Nope. We live in a selfish society.these days.

Life meh I could take it or leave it right now. It's beyond ....hit.  

[NiteKat]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Thanks you for laying bare your feelings here. Its not easy to do but Im glad that at least, you have members here you can talk with and relate to. Take care this morning.

NiteKat (mod)