Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CarersHelpline]

@Rover. What could be helpful is thinking about what you need in a difficult situation and how to get there. Being strong could mean different things. You may find it helpful to speak to carer specific service in regards to helping you prioritize and maintain boundaries. . E.g. Saying no, don't over-apologize, be specific and watch out for guilt. It is something you can practice and master with help

[GivingMick]

Yes. As a carer myself, my own mother checks with me on a regular basis. Asking if I'm okay. She lets me know I am loved, and I reciprocate. To be in a position of caring for another, one must be able to care for ones self first.

[GivingMick]

@rover. To be strong, do what you do best. Know in your accomplishment that there is strength. I did THIS! Being happy is being strong. Proud.

[CarersHelpline]

Just as a post to all, We thought we would share a poem which we feel says alot about how we can help our loved one find their way. First step is to listen

‘LISTEN’

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving me advice,

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you begin to tell me ‘why’ I shouldn’t feel that way,

You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you feel you have to do something to

solve my problems,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen;

Not talk, nor do – just hear me.

And I can do for myself – I’m not helpless

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me, that I can

and need to do for myself,

You contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,

No matter how irrational

Then I quit trying to convince you

And can get about the business of understanding

What’s behind this irrational feeling.

When that’s clear,

The answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

So please listen, and just hear me, and if you

want to talk,

Wait a minute for your turn,

And I’ll listen to you

[Cazzie]

@Rover, I hate when they say "stay strong" or "you have to be strong". To me it's the ultimate professional copout! Your GP and counsellor need a good swift kick as far as I'm concerned.
What they should be telling you is how to look after yourself. They should also be telling you that it's okay to be weak sometimes. It's okay to feel fragile. It's okay to accept that we have limitations; we're not medical people - psychiatrists or psychologists; we're not super-beings and most of all we're not superfluous.
Sorry, I'll get off my high horse now.

[Eagle]

@Cazzie 

I think it's such a cliche 'stay strong' and people don't really understand the implications. We think of strength from a physcial point of view.. someone holding weight above their head and being told to stay strong and drop it!

I have redefind 'strength' as not giving up, not stopping, not losing hope... I think crying, seeking help, letting it all out IS strength.

[NikNik]

Hi everyone,

we're just about to wrap up. I wanted to say a massive "THANKS!" to @CarersHelpline  and also a huge 'THANKS' to those who joined us tonight and shared their experiences and stories.

Truly shows we're not alone.

Wrapping up with last comments... ready... go!

[CarersHelpline]

@Cazzie- That's so relevant to a caring role. Carers often feel guilty and angry with themselves for feeling fragile. We all do the best we can and the point about being strong is about giving oneself the permission to accept that what they are feeling is normal and it doesn't mean you cant fail or change your situation.

[Cazzie]

@CarersHelpline - at last, someone who "gets it". Thank you.
And thank you also @Eagle. You also "get it". I'm glad someone does. I just wish health care professionals would too.