Lived Experience Forum

[keepcool]

Hi I want to have some perspective on my partner, the last two or so years he is becoming isolated and withdrawn he kept asking for divorce but don't really ending up separating partly because I don't want to coz of our young children. He seems up and down and got worse when two of our older children got seriously sick last year( 2020) both needed long term treatment and trips to hospital. He became increasingly agitated and mostly towards me and my eldest son, if he's on good mood we're all ok, if he's on bad mood we definitely know because he is angry and says bad things to me like I'm not a good mum or my eldest son that he is stubborn and doesn't listen, basically he wants to manipulate and control everything and he always has a say on something and on big decisions he would not let me decide or if I go against it he makes sure I am going to pay by either ignoring me or belittling me or humiliating me in front of our kids or other people in the house. He is always suspicious and not trusting me, like if I changed shift fr am to pm or pm to am without prior notice, he would accuse me of lying, he always checks my phone and bank account, he demands to know where I am if I am not at home, he yells and screams at me when he is agitated for small issues at home and same with my eldest he treats him like a trash and no value, he hide my car key one time because he doesn't want me to go to work, he hates me having credit card, but he's got his own one, he doesn't trust my friends, he accuses me of being lesbian, just coz one time I had a coffee chat with a coworker lady at work, which when I asked him prior he says yes I can go, he hates the house not clean but he hardly cleans it, he says everything is messy even though it's not too bad, he constantly worries and overthinks, even when me and kids are watching tv he says we shouldn't waste time or when we listen to music he says don't if it's not his preferred music, he wants the family to look perfect and he acts like perfect in front of other people and he constantly wants attention or adoration from all of us but if he gets criticised for even the tiniest reason he is touchy or in denial , he is arrogant most of the time, putting people down and worst he thinks he is superior and a special person though he is pretty normal and average,,, that's only some of my past experiences and if I did something wrong he goes back as to 10 years of my 'sins' I don't know what else to do. He won't admit of any wrong doing in our relationship as he thinks he is perfect, I couldn't get him sit down couple counselling and he only wants divorce right now even if my kids will suffer and my two children still getting treatment for serious health condition. I couldn't prove to my family and friends that he acts weird and bullies me because his image to them is good dad and really nice person, even though I've been subjected to emotional and verbal abuse, I love him he used to be very good and affectionate but now this is a complete stranger and I want him to be helped but I don't know how if he won't admit he needs help. I tried talking to people friends and family but as far as I know when they talk to him I am the bad person and he is my victim. I am confused, heart broken, and don't know what to do, we are together for 19 years already it's just so sad.

[0space0]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time @keepcool 

I feel for you. I can relate. 

I hope you are able to find some answers on here. 

I am sorry that I cannot be the one to give advice. 

[RedHorse]

Hi @keepcool
I'm sorry that you and your children are going through this. I can't offer an opinion on what your husband is struggling with, but it sounds like something has caused his behaviour to change in the last two years or so. I wonder if his behaviour could be related to stress around the children's illness and/or your spending more time and attention on them because of this? I wonder if you have suggested marriage and/or family counseling and how your husband would respond to this? I'm really just throwing ideas around here. Take care.

[Mathew76]

Doesn't sound too good. A long list. 

People who are depressed and highly stressed can try to push the ill feelings they have inside out on the others around them. It is the worst self defeating behaviour because you are wrecking your relationship with the people who love and support you.  The behaviour has to be repeated over and over to get any sort of petty emotional effect and it is degenerate and solves anything and denies the real problem. It is also abusive and not fair and is very damaging.  

A GP can refer a man to a support group where behaviours and the effects can be analysed and men can understand the futility of the above behaviours. A GP can also set in motion a mental health plan and perhaps prescribe drugs to take the edge off frightful depression. It is almost impossible for lay people to diagnose any mental illness, it is a job for a clinical psychologist or psychologist. The diagnosis lay people give can be like a judgement and, often  will say more about the person giving the diagnosis. Many professionals who work in MH are hopeless when it comes to a diagnosis as it takes a long time to understand someone. There are a lot of men and women for that matter who genuinely want to "fix up" their relationships for a better. These support groups can be great and take the strain off. It is rare for combined men/women groups to exist and be well run.  

It is very difficult if a partner sees no reason to change or is not listening.  Sometimes just sitting with someone with depression and not much more can be enough.  But it is hard. supporting positive behaviour or recognising there is a problem is an important step.   I wish you the best in your journey and hope you can put some support in place for you. 




 

[oceangirl]

Hi @keepcool 

I hear you. Some suggestions- might be for your husband to see his GP for a full physical and blood tests etc- to rule out any physical conditions that might be contributing to his behaviour. Sudden changes in behaviour and personality might be worthwhile to have an MRI of the brain.  There could be neurological changes occurring or combination of things.

I am sorry to hear your children have been unwell and I believe you need support too. Some of your husbands behaviour could be stress related or jealously and insecurities on his part, and you deserve to be treated better. And so do your children too. 

There is a treatment centre in Sydney that is very good but its private. Its South Pacific Private Hospital and they run family programs and inpatient stays and day programs. It might be worhwhile giving them a call, they maybe able to give you suggestions. 

I know you're not in a good place but reaching out for support might help you feel better and you may start to get clarity for yourself. I can understand your confusion, sadness and pain because of changes to your partners behaviour. 

You're a good person and have always been one- Keep your chin up and start to put yourself first. You are enough and truly hope you can find more peace and comfort moving forward. 

[oceangirl]

@keepcool Its nice to meet you too and welcome to the forum

[keepcool]

Thank you @oceangirl nice to meet you too. I am still devastated with my husband's decision very untimely with all the kids health issues but one day they'll know the truth about this. I have to be strong for them that is my concern now, their future. I can't decide for an unhappy person but I can love and support my kids through thick & thin and unconditionally love them all.